Can I haz newsletter?

Why, yes you can!

Newsletters and shameless self-promotion are necessary evils if you want weirdos on the Internet to buy your books.

I’ve gotten with the program and have created a newsletter.

 

 

In the newsletter, you will find updates about upcoming books, promotions, opportunities for getting advanced review copies, and exclusive teasers.

If you are interested in signing up there’s a link at the top of the blog.

 

 

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Harsh Truths Millennial Women Need To Hear

Cue “Controversy” by Prince.

This really doesn’t need an intro. Here we go…

You Are Not A Princess

There are legit Princesses as in a member of a royal family. You are a not a princess on your wedding day, at the prom, at a salon or other venue that offer “princess packages”, or any other time. UNLESS YOU ARE AN ACTUAL PRINCESS. You are not your Daddy’s little princess. You should not tell your husband to treat you like one. Instead, you should be wise enough not to marry a man who treats you like shit so you never have to tell him to treat you like the princess you aren’t.

Dude, I’m a grown woman. I’m married, I drink wine, I have sex, I clean up dog poop, I go to work, I regularly attempt to replace my blood with coffee, I vote, I have a 401-K, I take birth control pills, I cuss, etc. I don’t want to me treated like I’m anything other than a grown woman.Telling your daughter she is a princess will only create a sense of entitlement and selfishness in their adult life. Playing princess dress up is one thing, but treating a girl like she’s a china doll is going to backfire.

The Disney Glorification Is Overrated  (You Are Also Not A Disney Princess)

Disney movies are fun and nostalgic. Lately, millennial women have been glorifying Disney and its princesses all over social media. I love Cinderella and Ariel, too. I also realize they are cartoon characters and I will never have a talking flounder fish friend or mice who wash dishes with me. You betcha I have an Ariel shirt, but I realize I’m not an actual mermaid princess. The over sexualization of these characters is horrifying.  Last time I checked, Snow White wasn’t sexy. She is a victim and a glorified maid to seven dwarfs. That’s not a life to strive for.

Also, these people who repeatedly spend thousands going to Disney World need a lobotomy. Have you been to Disney World? It’s hot, overpriced, crowded, and pretty much the same rides for the past twenty plus years. Take your kids somewhere else for another experience. They will remember it more fondly than the fifteen times they’ve been to Disney World. If you have the means to take your family to Disney year after year, you can afford to go somewhere else for half the price. I am saying not to take your kids to Disney World? Not at all. Go for it! I don’t get the obsession, attraction to go to the same place over and over again, or the glorification of it all. I have been to Disney several times and each time was before my thirteenth birthday. By that age, I’d had my fill of Disney and was ready for another experience. While I loved Disney as a kid, I’m over it.

Mickey And Minnie Mouse Welcome Everyone To Hong Kong Disneyland Resort

GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY AND YOUR SOUL!

 

Getting Married Is Not An Accomplishment

A friend once said to me, “I’ve worked much harder getting through college than I have to get engaged.” She was absolutely 100% correct. Note: you shouldn’t have to try to get engaged/married. It will either happen or it won’t. Forcing a relationship doesn’t work. Getting married is a right passage, not an accomplishment.

 

Being Irresponsible Is Not Cute

Remember on Sex and the City when Carrie couldn’t afford her apartment because she spent all her money on shoes? Not cute. Remember, fictional characters who have it all together are not as entertaining.

 

“Adulting” Is Not Hard

This ties into our culture of praising being irresponsible. Sure, the occasionally “adulting” joke is funny, only when it doesn’t have a basis in reality. Making a sarcastic remark about going to the gym, eating spinach, and doing your taxes all in one day has a place. “Adulting” simply means doing what you have to do to survive and it’s completely normal. Going to work? Not hard! Paying bills? Suck it up, buttercup. It’s called life.

 

Marilyn Monroe Is Not A Good Role Model

Misquoting other women over a picture of Marilyn on Pinterest is cheap. This recent phenomenon of Marilyn worship on social media has led to an even more tarnished legacy for Monroe and those who are misquoted with her image. The only reason Marilyn Monroe is such an icon today is because she looks good on tin signs and posters. And died young. Harsh, but true. A drug addict who slept her way to the top only to screw it all up by being irresponsible, unprofessional, and disrespectful to colleagues by showing up late and on drugs is not someone to look up to. Ring a bell, Miss Lohan? Honestly, Carrie Bradshaw is a better role model. You know who actually is a good role model? Audrey Hepburn.

 

The Day The Music Died

This afternoon, I decided it was way past time to run a system clean and scan on my MacBook. I only really use it for writing, web surfing, and the occasional illegal streaming this is something I often neglect to do. As someone who hates clutter even in the digital form, this is something I should do more often. I was looking through my desktop folders and clicked on one I haven’t taken the cursor to in some time…the music folder.

Anyone who grew up in the age of LimeWire, Napster, Kaaza, and later iTunes has this folder. At one time, it was probably the most cherished folder on the whole desktop. You spend hours and bandwidth downloading those awesome songs you heard on TRL that you have HAVE to hear again and again only to get computer herpes from the sketchy programs you downloaded them from in the first place.You do a virus scan only to learn the MP3 Willa Ford-I Wanna B Bad is actually a Trojan Horse Virus. So, you’ve lost your sweet jams AND will probably have to get a new computer because it’s 2002. Sidebar: I literally destroyed a computer from burning too many CDs. Sorry, Mom. I believe I’ve made it up to you by not being a complete dumpster fire of a person. Also, all the CDs you burned with aforementioned sweet jams are scratched to hell and barely play because you threw them around and dropped your Walkman portable CD player a million times. Repeat process for another ten years.

 

Kids today with their iPads and safe spaces will never know the struggle.

The chronic CD burners of yesteryear will also no longer have this struggle thank to literally every song we could ever want being in an overpriced brick we sometimes use to make phone calls.

Today, I came to the sad realization that I no longer need megabytes of MP3s taking up valuable space on my computer. An MP3 I’ve had for over a decade is virtually and literally worthless. All those Ja Rule songs that are older than both my nieces and nephew are the computer version of space junk. With a touch of a button, I can re-live my early and mmid-2000s music shame via the majesty that is Spotify in my car, at the gym, on my TV, at work, etc.

I still remember the day LimeWire was shut down by the government. It was one of the darkest days, and the end of an era. I was a few days shy of my twenty second birthday, sitting in my mom’s sunroom and most likely hungover and over-caffeinated looking to download the new My Chemical Romance album. That also happened to be their last complete album before breaking up. Looking back, this should have been a sign the heyday of the 2000s were no more. Almost twenty-two year-old me was devastated she couldn’t illegally download MCR like she could when she was sixteen. A part of me died that day, along with LimeWire. A jovial and computer-infecting pastime was lost to the theoretical man who finally won. So I shelled out $2.12 to iTunes and got my MCR songs. That was the day I truly began my descent into adulthood.

 

Today, I finish that journey by removing 17,685,980,852 bytes (yes, that’s not a typo) of MP3s from my hard drive. So long Avril Lavigne, Jessica (and Ashlee) Simpson, Christina Aguilera, NSYNC, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Sum 41, MCR, and others. I’ll catch you on the nostalgia tour in a few years.

Murder, Murder Everywhere

I’ve created a true crime blog because why not? Who doesn’t love a good murder story?

There’s a reason why people love redundant cop dramas and shows like Wives With Knives; we have a morbid, yet normal fascination with the horrific things other people do to one another. Fictional detectives also make old people feel safe, knowing Mark Harmon is putting away bad guys helps middle America sleep at night.

For a twice weekly dose of murdery goodness, check out amurdermostfoul.com. If you are a part of the toxic Internet wasteland that is Twitter follow the blog @AMMFBlog.

Now, I present hipster John Wayne Gacy.

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My latest book “Live Fast, Die Pretty” is up for nominations on Kindle Scout

Time for some shameless self promotion.

I actually really hate doing this, but I know it’s a part or writing books. I don’t want to be that person that’s like: “OHMIGODBUYMYSTUPIDBOOKI’MSOCOOLANDSOMUCHBETTERTHANYOUBECAUSEIWROTEABOOKANDHAVEANAPPLECOMPUTER!”

That is not the person I want to be. You know the type of person I’m talking about. I guarantee you know one or four. They are probably friends.

I’ve gotten better at promoting my own books/writing. Mainly because I’ve taught myself how to do it (a.k.a. using the right hashtags on Twitter). Now I do it all the time and have gotten over it.

Now, I’m going to self-promo vomit all over my own blog.

Kindle Scout is crowdfunding style publishing from Amazon. People nominate books and winners get an exclusive publishing contract with Amazon. This is a great opportunity considering Amazon pretty much has a monopoly on ebook publishing, even though it seems no one wants to admit it. Sorry Barnes and Noble, Nook just can’t compete.

I’ve been working on these books for longer than I care to admit and think they are pretty cool, even though all the literary agents and publishers who rejected it so many times I lost count obviously thought otherwise. I’m trying not to be bitter and I’ve lost all faith in traditional publishing, which only wants a bunch of Young Adult novels set in a dystopia. God forbid someone writes something different.

My book which is currently up for nominations on Kindle Scout is the first installment of my book series, The Movie Star Murders.

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Dat cover art. I love my own cover art I designed via telling someone else what I wanted and demanding they do it right.

Live Fast, Die Pretty is the first installment of a planned series entitled THE MOVIE STAR MURDERS in which another aspect of the mystery is revealed in each title until the entire mystery is solved in the final book (probably 4 total depending on how long I can go killing off the fictional jackasses I’ve created).  The series combines the glamorous and torrid world of Old Hollywood with gritty cop drama and romantic suspense. Ooh, fancy!

Here’s a synopsis: In 1934, actress Candy Carmichael was murdered. Detective Jack Vance immediately suspects her husband, movie star Rex Harper. When Rex returns from a location shoot, he finds the love of his life engaged to his long-time enemy, as well as someone trying to frame him for more murders. This prompts Rex to convince Jack of his innocence and win back the love of his life. As the mystery deepens, Jack, Rex, and those closest to them uncover deep secrets and shocking connections.

Good times, right?

Anyway, the book is up for nominations until December 31.

You can vote for it here.

Want A Sludge Ball? I’ve Got One

I’m not talking about the Pokemon sludge ball. I have no clue what that is but Google suggested it when I was researching a source for this post. I’m assuming it’s something I’m not cool enough to know about.

A sludge ball in the medical sense is located in the gallbladder and is a ball (duh!)/pile of unmoved bile, gallstones, and other nutrients that causes gallbladder pain and digestive discomfort. 

The human body is disgusting.

 

I am getting my gallbladder removed soon, then I can go back to enjoying hot sauce and everything else I enjoy instead of eating Frosted Mini Wheats for dinner.

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How my co-workers must feel when I tell them how much I miss French fries and Buffalo sauce.

 

Luckily, I can drink coffee so I’m not a total monster.

Having a sludge ball and/or gallstones is no big deal and not exactly worth even posting about. My gallbladder hates me and is pretty much useless at this point, whatever. If it didn’t have the delightful name of “sludge ball” it wouldn’t have even bothered with this.

You’d think there would be a more eloquent sounding Latin-derived medical term.

Nope…SLUDGE BALL.

It sounds like something the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers would have defeated.

I know, dear readers, you are probably expecting me to post a picture of said sludge ball. For once, I’m keeping the squeamish in my thoughts and posts and instead leaving you with a damn gif and a cat picture.

Google at your own risk and think about me when you’re eating anything tasty slathered in jalapeno.

Grab a free copy of my e-book, “The Bride Wore Brains”!

Time for some shameless self-promotion.

I really hate doing this but my ego needs good book reviews.

I’m currently running a promo where you can get a FREE copy of my e-book, “The Bride Wore Brains” from Smashwords.

The Bride Wore Brains

I designed it myself. Cheers to mediocre graphic design skills forcefully acquired in college.

 

Use the coupon code QW56T at checkout. You can download the e-book in several formats or you can read in your browser.

Note: this book contain graphic violence, strong language, and a character nicknamed after a sex toy. No joke. This isn’t Danielle Steel. You’ve been warned. 

Once you’ve read it, enjoyed it, hated it, or feel like you have to go to church afterwards, please leave a review at either Amazon, Goodreads, or Smashwords.

 

 

Things that are not as old as my grandmother and great-aunt

My grandmother and twin sis, Peggy Maxine and Patsy Pauline, turned a whopping 90 years young on July 8!

90 is a REALLY long time. At this point, they’ve spent more time together than any married couple ever will (not counting vampires).

The time of their life span in correlation to mine and said events didn’t hit me until I heard about Olivia de Havilland turning 100 a mere seven days before Pat and Pet hit the big 9-0; that’s only a 10 year difference.

People 10 years older than me aren’t even 40.

There must be something about being born in the first week of July between the years of 1916-1926 that promote longevity.

As someone who is only 27, I realize my grandmother and great-aunt are significantly older than many other grandparents and relatives of my peers. After witnessing this  super-human feat of being alive, I starting thinking about all of the world and pop culture events these fab ladies have experience and how these things (like Pat and Peg) have stuck around throughout the ages.

Such as…

DC Comics, 1934

Being older than Batman is a feat all its own.

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Marvel Comics, 1939

Again, with being older than the characters who’ve been around forever and now make billions of dollars in pretty much the same movie over and over again. Yet we still love them. There’s a reason why super heroes never go out of style.

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Rock ‘n’ Roll, late 1940’s/1950’s

What we know as rock ‘n’ roll today wasn’t like it was then, obviously. Enjoy some “Buddy Holly” to get the best of both worlds.

Twinkies, 1930

In 2012, we thought we’d never get the horrific cream-filled snack again. Before then, these “cakes” were giving us beetus for 82 years.

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McDonald’s, 1955

Unlike Twinkies, I don’t want to live in a world without those fries and $1 iced coffee.

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Frozen Food, 1930

If my husband didn’t cook and frozen food never happened, I would be so hungry.

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Because I dress up like that to go grocery shopping. The kind folks at Trader Joe’s are lucky I wear pants.

Slinky, invented 1943 and sold in stores 1945

Damn right everybody loves Slinky! slinky2bad

 

Summer Nostalgia For Cheesy 2000’s Pop Tunes

Something about the summer and warmer weather gets me all nostalgic for the horrible AWESOME, cheesy pop tunes of my middle school years. Hearing these songs reminds me of the days before we all bought organic almond milk and phones weren’t smart. I’ve noticed people my age tend to be VERY nostalgic. I blame this on the fact we have the world the power of Google literally with us constantly. This gives us the ability search for those obscure songs, movies, music videos and TV shows from yester-year whenever we get the urge or someone asks you if you remember said pop culture event from 2004.

Gone are the days of waiting for TRL to play your favorite song, recording songs off the radio with a cassette tape, and giving your computer a million viruses by downloading music from LimeWire and Napster.Thanks to Apple Music, Spotify, Amazon and the angels from Heaven who upload music to YouTube, we can hear any song any time we want on multiple devices. We no longer have to pay anywhere from $15 to $25 for a CD and only like a few songs.

While these technologies have improved the entertainment aspect of our lives, hearing a song you like isn’t the anymore because you can simply pull said song up any time on your phone. There’s little thrill in hear “your jam” on the radio after listening to hours of Avril Lavinge on repeat, (note: Avril was never my jam but I still totally downloaded her songs).

My husband, who is ten years older than me has made fun of my everlasting and undying love for this crap music. But then he told me that you will always love the music you grew up with.

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Such as this wonderful garbage.  CLICK THE LINK! I DARE YOU!

This is something I’ve found to be true as I get older and makes me happy I don’t hate all the crap music from almost twenty years ago.

 I recently took all of my old CDs both burned and legit which were scratched beyond repair to my city’s electronics recycling center. This is something that I flip-flopped about doing for some time. I was torn between keeping an old part of myself and my hatred of clutter. My adult self won because I realized just because I no longer had those old, scratched and barely playing CDs, the boy bands live on! 

If you too are feeling randomly nostalgic, here’s a Spotify playlist I’ve created over the past few years with 31 HOURS OF 2000’S TUNES.

You read that correctly, 31 hours.

Enjoy, or don’t.

Who is going to win the game of thrones?

“When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.” 

That’s an understatement.

The whole point of GOT is a bunch of turds fighting, killing, and screwing their way to a horribly unconformable metal chair.

There are A LOT of characters vying for the Iron Throne. At the end someone is going to win unless the writers have been trolling us for years and we find out the whole thing is a dream. 

GOT has an extremely high mortality rate and pretty much no one is safe. At this point in the show, it is a safe bet anyone who is still alive in the books is going to make it far in the show.

With the Season Six premiere tomorrow, I’ve decided to do a ranking of all the characters fighting for the sword chair from least likely to most likely.

Tell me in the comments if you agree or disagree. I enjoy a spirited virtual nerd fight.

SPOILERS BELOW!

Ramsey Bolton

For starters, he’s a crazy bastard. He literally cut off a man’s penis. Think about that. He’s also isolated in the North even though he is  technically the rightful heir of Winterfell. We learned in Season One the North is  pretty much B.F.E in the GOT universe. Ramsey is mentally unstable and a complete psycho. Even with Sansa Stark as a wife, it’s going to be hard for him to take that throne from miles away and without much support.

Stannis Baratheon

A quick Google search will give you various theories on the fate of much hated character. Stannis still might be in the running for the Throne. If he is, he’s going to have to dump the red witch bitch and stop being such a turd. Being the brother of a former King, Stannis has a good claim to the Throne. Now with the Lannister incest being public knowledge, Stannis has an ever greater claim as it would be easy to overthrow technically illegitimate children a.k.a Tommen. No one is cheering for you, bro. He also killed his own brother with magic and his own child so he’s a great dude.

Daenerys Targaryen

The clear fan favorite has been seemingly wasting time for YEARS!  It’s like come on, girl you got freakin’ dragons.THREE OF THEM! You could march into Kings Landing right the hell now and burn everything but the Iron Throne to the ground and take it for yourself. As someone who writes fiction, I understand writers can’t do that because of those pesky plots. It seems to me that she would have made it a lot farther by now. Dany would be a fair and just leader for the Seven Kingdoms. She’s also a bit cocky and is miles away from where she needs to be. Shift ass, Dany we want to see you win.

Cersei Lannister

Everyone’s favorite drunk is so close to the Iron Throne she can taste it. She’s been the Queen before (and is currently The Queen Mother) so it would be easy for her to get the coveted spot again. However, there is the now famous Maggy the Frog prophecy stating a younger more beautiful queen will be her downfall, she will out live all of her children, and that she will be choked to death. Cersei is evil and terrible so it would be a  total slap in the face if she did in fact become Queen again. However, the prophecy is obviously important and is going to involve other characters. Sorry haters, Cersei ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Littlefinger aka Petyr Baelish

He’s powerful, sneaky, and knows everything about everyone. He has nothing to lose and will do anything to get ahead. He doesn’t have a claim but he’s not one to be underestimated. It probably won’t happen, although it’s still fun to think he might swoop in, kill everyone, and sit his happy ass on the Throne.

Margaery Tyrell

Girlfriend is already the Queen and knows how to work it. Even though she was arrested in Season Five, Margaery has power and her name on her side.Her family is also powerful and let’s not forget her BAMF grandmother helped killed Joffrey. I expect to see big things from her in Season Six as she is believed to be the younger queen in the prophecy. With that being said, Margaery still doesn’t seem to be that important of a character in the long run even though her role has been beefed up in the last few seasons.

Jon Snow

Not likely. He’s probably some sort of snow zombie now and would melt in Kings Landing. Besides, do we really want someone knows nothing to be the ruler of the realm? Even though R+L=J is probably correct, Snow doesn’t have a chance even as a fan favorite, UNLESS some insane fantasy magic happens and he is resurrected and joins forces with Dany or someone else. Fan theories have been pointing to Snow as winning the Throne for years. It would be poetic justice to see a bastard and former member of the Night’s Watch as King.

A Random Stark

“Where the f*ck are Bran and Rickon Stark?” is question that has been on the minds of GOT fans for almost two years now. Season Six promises their return so it’s possible the forgotten Stark kids are ready (and old enough now) to understand the concept of and take revenge on those who betrayed their family.In the first seasons, the show was Stark and Snow heavy which seemed to imply their later importance. Also, Arya, Sansa, and Ned’s brother, Benjen shouldn’t be discounted as potential rulers.

If anyone deserves to be on the Iron Throne, it’s Sansa. Out of all the characters in this fandom, Sansa has suffered the most. I mean she saw her own father beheaded, lost her whole family, was held hostage, and raped. Give the poor girl a break. 

None of the above/no one/everybody dies

Considering the death toll and the influx of characters on this show, any of these options should surprise no one. Television shows historically have had abysmal endings. Remember Dexter and True Blood? Considering the consistent high-quality of GOT, a shitty ending is less-likely. Still, you should prepare yourself for Crap of Thrones just in case.