My latest book “Live Fast, Die Pretty” is up for nominations on Kindle Scout

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Time for some shameless self promotion.

I actually really hate doing this, but I know it’s a part or writing books. I don’t want to be that person that’s like: “OHMIGODBUYMYSTUPIDBOOKI’MSOCOOLANDSOMUCHBETTERTHANYOUBECAUSEIWROTEABOOKANDHAVEANAPPLECOMPUTER!”

That is not the person I want to be. You know the type of person I’m talking about. I guarantee you know one or four. They are probably friends.

I’ve gotten better at promoting my own books/writing. Mainly because I’ve taught myself how to do it (a.k.a. using the right hashtags on Twitter). Now I do it all the time and have gotten over it.

Now, I’m going to self-promo vomit all over my own blog.

Kindle Scout is crowdfunding style publishing from Amazon. People nominate books and winners get an exclusive publishing contract with Amazon. This is a great opportunity considering Amazon pretty much has a monopoly on ebook publishing, even though it seems no one wants to admit it. Sorry Barnes and Noble, Nook just can’t compete.

I’ve been working on these books for longer than I care to admit and think they are pretty cool, even though all the literary agents and publishers who rejected it so many times I lost count obviously thought otherwise. I’m trying not to be bitter and I’ve lost all faith in traditional publishing, which only wants a bunch of Young Adult novels set in a dystopia. God forbid someone writes something different.

My book which is currently up for nominations on Kindle Scout is the first installment of my book series, The Movie Star Murders.

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Dat cover art. I love my own cover art I designed via telling someone else what I wanted and demanding they do it right.

Live Fast, Die Pretty is the first installment of a planned series entitled THE MOVIE STAR MURDERS in which another aspect of the mystery is revealed in each title until the entire mystery is solved in the final book (probably 4 total depending on how long I can go killing off the fictional jackasses I’ve created).  The series combines the glamorous and torrid world of Old Hollywood with gritty cop drama and romantic suspense. Ooh, fancy!

Here’s a synopsis: In 1934, actress Candy Carmichael was murdered. Detective Jack Vance immediately suspects her husband, movie star Rex Harper. When Rex returns from a location shoot, he finds the love of his life engaged to his long-time enemy, as well as someone trying to frame him for more murders. This prompts Rex to convince Jack of his innocence and win back the love of his life. As the mystery deepens, Jack, Rex, and those closest to them uncover deep secrets and shocking connections.

Good times, right?

Anyway, the book is up for nominations until December 31.

You can vote for it here.

Rockula, 1990’s ONLY Vampire Musical Comedy

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And probably the only vampire musical comedy. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

You’re probably scratching your head and wondering what the hell Rokula is. Well, dear readers, you’re about to find out.

In honor of my own birthday, here’s a post about the majesty that is Rockula.

Rockula is a seemingly “lost” cult movie. I saw “lost” because if it wasn’t for weirdos on the Internet who upload videos to YouTube, movies like this would be lost to the ravages of time and modern technology. This is one of those movies which never survived the conversion from VHS to DVD. I’ve looked for the DVD several times and can only find the occasional bootleg copy. If this movie was ever released on DVD, it is since out of print. However, it is available on YouTube and weirdly Amazon Prime Video.

I stumbled across this movie two years ago while reading some list article about obscure Halloween movies. Whoever wrote it certainly did their homework. As a purveyor of pop culture and Halloween movies, this one was new to me. If I had discovered this earlier, my life might be completely different.

Starring Dean Cameron, Toni Basil, and Thomas Dolby, (you read that right. THE Toni Basil and THE Thomas Dolby). Rockula tells the story of Ralph,a 400 year-old vampire doomed to meet the reincarnated love of his life every 22 years only to have her die on Halloween over and over again.

Sounds like a fun premise, right?

 

It is, but this movie is a delightful shit show of early 90’s/late 80’s (because they are the same thing) madness AND random musical numbers. Also, it’s just plain weird in same parts. For example, Ralph lives with his mother (Toni Basil), the girl he loves is killed by a rhinestone-peg-legged pirate wielding a giant hambone, and he suddenly becomes a rock star hence the title. Now would be the time to say, you can’t make this stuff up. Only someone did and it was made into a movie.

This movie spoke to me because it’s a relic of a bygone era. A time when we had to leave the house and God forbid go to the video store if we wanted to a movie. A time when one-hit wonders of the last decade could actually get a role in a movie. That reminds me, has anyone checked on “You’re Beautiful” James Blunt lately? A time when one could seriously make a rock and roll vampire musical comedy with 80’s one-hit wonders in the cast. That doesn’t even sound plausible in 2016.

Rock on, 1990. Rock on!

David S. Pumpkins Is The Hero We Didn’t Know We Needed

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This delightfully weird and downright silly SNL sketch is the best thing you’ll see all day. Destined to become a Halloween and SNL classic, these roughly 5 minutes of pure insanity are proof the world isn’t so bad after all.

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This is one of those sketches where the more you watch it, the funnier it gets. I’ve seen it about four times in three days and still haven’t gotten tired of it. Reminiscent of More Cowbell in its repetitive movements and anytime Chris Farley danced, this skit, called Haunted Elevator is currently winning the Internet. David S. Pumpkins’ suits have already sold out at various retailers, proving I’m not alone in my strange love for all things David S. Pumpkins.

Not only is the sketch funny, it’s random as hell, which for me is a hallmark trait of comedy. For example, why is this weirdo and his skeleton dancers in a haunted house? Who are they? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t.

Like one YouTube comment said,“This skit shouldn’t have been funny. I ended up rolling on the floor laughing.”

There isn’t much else to say about this. The main purpose of this post was to spread the majesty that is Mr. Pumpkins with the world, as well as having a “David S. Pumpkins” tag on my blog.

Enjoy!

 

In Hindsight, These Republicans Aren’t So Bad Compared To Donald Trump

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Donald Trump is a terrible human being (if you even want to call him one at this point). No need to go into details. Unless you’re living under a rock or in a coma, you know all about the pussy grabbin’ piece of shit that is Donnie T.

The Republican party did this to themselves by loosing their damn minds and nominating a Cheeto-colored garbage person. Really, guys? You go from Abe Lincoln to that? For a group that calls themselves the Grand ‘Ol Party, ya’ll can do better.

Obviously, I’m not a member of the GOP. I will keep voting for Hillary Clinton until one of us dies. There is literally nothing she could do that would prevent me from voting for her. Regardless of how you feel about our future Madame President, everyone with half a brain knows there is not a single person on Earth who is more qualified to be the leader of the free world than Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton.

I will never vote for a Republican as long as my O Negative blood pumps through my cold, evil, liberal, millennial heart. Good thing I live in Kentucky, which has 8 electoral votes so I could never vote again (not going to happen) and it wouldn’t matter. Still, I’m blue ’til the end unless America turns into The Upside Down and the two parties switch.

Looking back on history and past elections, these GOP members listed below don’t seem so bad compared to Lord Assface McOrange.

Ronald Reagan

Potential Pussy Grabs: 2 (he was an actor in Old Hollywood, after all).

Sure, the dude was a huge turd sandwich. He named names during the McCarthy hearings and sold out his former friends and colleagues. He sold weapons to the enemy. He ignored the threat of Saddam Hussein, which later turned out to be a very bad idea.

People loved him despite his epic fails. Look at the man and his dog on Air Force One with his trademark jelly beans on display. My God, he’s like America’s token grandpa. Now, picture Donald Trump.

 

Mitt Romney 

Potential Pussy Grabs: -4 (unless Marie Osmond is around)

The world cheered when presidential loser Mitt came out and blasted Trump. He really had no chance of winning in 2012, but damn it, he tried and us Dems hated him for it. We’ve moved past it and now he’s just a dude who loves going to Costco with his wife.

Compared to Trump, Mitt is the handsome older guy who lives down the street. He’s the Dad that will take you home from soccer practice. He’s also Mormon as hell, so you know he won’t be grabbing pussy unless Marie Osmond shows up like I mentioned before You  know he and Ann have totally been asked to swing with their weird friends and actually said no.

Most importantly, this GIF exists.

George W. Bush

Potential Pussy Grabs: 0

Oh, W how we don’t miss you. There are so many bad things about Bush 2: ‘Lil Georgie’s White House Adventure, I don’t even know where to start. There was a time when many of us wished you’d choked harder on that pretzel. Sure, he’s a war criminal but a cute one! He also paints, seems to be BFF with Michelle, and is releasing an art book this year.

We sort of forgive you. Keep up the good post-White House work, buddy! No shit.

 

Richard Nixon

Potential Pussy Grabs: 2

Nixon grabbed Lady Liberty by the pussy and royally fucked her (and not in the good way).

Total crook, liar, and another turd sandwich. Today, Nixon would be viewed as a total liberal Commie by the Tea Party and Trumpers. He started the EPA (anyone who loves trees that much has got to be a dirty liberal), ended the draft AND involvement in Vietnam, and improved relations with China and the U.S.S.R. 

Yeah, total Democrat.

He’s also the first and only president to resign, thus grabbing his own pussy.

Retro Halloween Commercials That Are Better Than Most Network Shows Today

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I’m not even joking about that. Network TV is having a harder time than Donald Trump’s campaign managers.

It’s terrible.

But, commercials are worse. Since we are essentially living in The Jetson’s, we hardly ever have to watch commercials anymore. I haven’t had cable since January 2012 and I’m never going back. I actually someone manage to watch more TV not having cable thanks to Netflix, Hulu, and my Mom’s HBO GO password (thanks, Mommy!).

Technology and medical advancements have eradicated small pox and given us phones that play videos, but we still have to watch the occasional commercial. If that isn’t injustice, I don’t know what is. Where’s Superman when we need him?

Since there are wonderful people on the Internet who upload “retro” videos to YouTube, we can relive a time when we had to watch commercials and they were better.

I’d probably punch a baby for a can of Slice. I’ve also given my husband permission to sleep with Elvira if ever given the chance. For those of you younger than about twenty-three, Slice was awesome. Sorry, not sorry you missed it. More for us!

Nothing gives me the warm fuzzies like this Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. Donuts and Halloween are two of my favorite things. Dunkin’ Donuts was a huge deal for me when I was a kid. By the way, I still love it. The chain wasn’t very common in my area until the past several years, so getting to go to Dunkin’ was a treat. If I was a death row criminal, their strawberry frosted would a part of my last meal.

Pizza Head is the ultimate obscure 90’s reference. I loved this as a kid. Now, as an adult I fully appreciate the amount of alcohol and drugs it probably took to get the brain power to create him. The marketing creative time who created Pizza Head will forever hold a special place in my 90’s kid heart.

McNuggets are gross. Don’t think anyone will try to fight me on that. When they are felt and dressed as monsters? Freaking precious. The Halloween McNugget Buddies are important to me (did I really just write that? Yes, I did. I need more things to do). These little “chicken” blobs are pure nostalgia for me. I’ve had the Frankenstein MuNugget in the picture below for probably twenty-two years. There is a large amount of these for sale online and have a weird cult following.

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This is anything more American than keeping a Happy Meal toy for over half your life? Image.

Do we actually like pumpkin spice?

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Retail and grocery stores tell us it’s “Fall”, but the thermometer still read 90 degrees. This situation is all too familiar, seasons and holidays seem to come earlier every year. Personal preference comes into play when this happens and tempers can flair for no good reason.

For example, I want to spray paint a pentagram on a nativity scene when I see Christmas decor out in August (like I did last week), but when I see one bag of candy corn at Dollar General I turn into this guy.

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One thing we can’t escape is America’s love for pumpkin spice anything. Love it or hate it, pumpkin spice is an institution. Even after spawning hundreds of jokes and memes, any spicy, pumpkin fare is sure to fly off shelves.

Personally, I enjoy the pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks (#PSL) and am glad to see it come back every year. I will take a pumpkin donut from Dunkin and maybe a slice of pumpkin cheesecake, but that’s about it.

 

Pumpkin spice is the swimsuit of Fall, seeing either a latte or a bikini top lets us know the seasons are changing whether you want them to or not and you better get used to it.

This got me thinking, do we actually like pumpkin spice, OR do we like what it represents? A changing of seasons, a new beginning, a new school year/semester, a new haircut, an “edgier” Fall version of you, an update from the iced coffee of sweltering summer days.

I’m going to challenge our beliefs by asking the unthinkable… would pumpkin spice taste as good in March as it does in October?

Honestly, I don’t know and never will. I’m just trying to make a clever blog post about a flavor and come across as slightly profound.

If you still have anything left over from October in your fridge by March, throw it out. Save the pumpkin spice for fall aka DON’T PUMPKIN SPICE AND SPRING!

Want A Sludge Ball? I’ve Got One

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I’m not talking about the Pokemon sludge ball. I have no clue what that is but Google suggested it when I was researching a source for this post. I’m assuming it’s something I’m not cool enough to know about.

A sludge ball in the medical sense is located in the gallbladder and is a ball (duh!)/pile of unmoved bile, gallstones, and other nutrients that causes gallbladder pain and digestive discomfort. 

The human body is disgusting.

 

I am getting my gallbladder removed soon, then I can go back to enjoying hot sauce and everything else I enjoy instead of eating Frosted Mini Wheats for dinner.

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How my co-workers must feel when I tell them how much I miss French fries and Buffalo sauce.

 

Luckily, I can drink coffee so I’m not a total monster.

Having a sludge ball and/or gallstones is no big deal and not exactly worth even posting about. My gallbladder hates me and is pretty much useless at this point, whatever. If it didn’t have the delightful name of “sludge ball” it wouldn’t have even bothered with this.

You’d think there would be a more eloquent sounding Latin-derived medical term.

Nope…SLUDGE BALL.

It sounds like something the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers would have defeated.

I know, dear readers, you are probably expecting me to post a picture of said sludge ball. For once, I’m keeping the squeamish in my thoughts and posts and instead leaving you with a damn gif and a cat picture.

Google at your own risk and think about me when you’re eating anything tasty slathered in jalapeno.

Suicide Squad is the Harley Quinn show we’ve all been waiting for

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Suicide Squad is awesome.

The End.

I could end this post there and you’d get the idea.

I’m pretty sure I might be leaving my husband for Margot Robbie. I’ll keep you posted.

This is the movie I’ve been the most excited about all summer. The clueless jackasses that are movie critics hated this which automatically means real people a.k.a not pretentious film snobs who bow at the altar of Daniel Day Lewis will love it.

This movie is just fun. There are no other ways to describe it. It’s not ridiculous, overly dark (I’M LOOKING AT YOU BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN), or campy. DC tends to make their movies more realistic while Marvel fully embraces the fact they are making movies about mutants and Norse gods in space.

Suicide Squad embraces the best of both worlds and it works.

The clear show-stealer in this movie is Harley Quinn. The fan favorite finally has made it to the big screen after over twenty years of waiting. A Harley fan myself, I was admittedly worried how the batshit insane love of the Joker would translate to film. To me, Harley is probably the most “cartoony” of the comic book characters. This movie perfectly captures Harley’s insanity yet presents it in a “real” way. Harley’s costumes and overall look helped with the transition from comic book and animation to the big screen.While the classic Harley clown costume is awesome, I don’t think it would have worked well in this scenario.

Prepare yourselves for all the Harley Quinn costumes this Halloween.

One thing I wanted from this movie was more Joker. Jared Leto’s tattooed grill-wearing gangster version of the character is fantastic. He pays tribute to Heath Ledger with the voice, but his raw and disturbing insanity is all Leto.

Another thing that surprised me about this movie was Will Smith. I loved Will as a kid and was glad to see him back doing comedy and action instead of Oscar bait. Fingers crossed for a Fresh Prince reunion show.

There are a few serious and darker moments but overall it’s nothing like the DC movies we love to bitch about on the Internet.

Marvel has clearly won the comic book movie genre. If DC sticks with the Suicide Squad formula, it will be a tough competition.

Dear DC,

Make more movies like this.

 

This week by best friend and I went back to 6th grade…

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Not really, but we did go see 98 Degrees, O-Town, Dream, and Ryan Cabrera in concert.

This time we had booze.

It was a #ThrowbackThursday on a Tuesday I’ll never forget.

The often forgotten to the ravages of time and music evolution groups are on the My2K Tour this summer, serenading crowds of 24-30 year-old women across the country with the upbeat, somewhat cheesy, and infectious pop songs of yesteryear.

And it was freakin’ awesome!

Never have I witnessed a group experience such as this one, thousands of people women re-living the music of their youth, all sharing a common interest.

It was magical and just plain ‘ol fun!

These boy bands still got it. Seeing them live is nothing compared to watching them on your computer screen or on TRL in 1999. While Dream and Ryan Cabrera were fine performers, they didn’t steal the show. Let’s face it, we all just wanted to hear O-Town sing “All or Nothing” live and creep on Nick Lachey.

Spoiler alert: he is still pretty hot.

This concert experience full-filled my summer nostalgia for 2000’s pop jams and made my inner middle school self finally complete.

I do have photographic and video evidence I attended this event. I will save you from my horribly off-key snapchat videos and pictures of me covered in sweat in exchange for these YouTube videos.

While this was loads of fun, I’m still waiting for the NSYNC reunion.

Grab a free copy of my e-book, “The Bride Wore Brains”!

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Time for some shameless self-promotion.

I really hate doing this but my ego needs good book reviews.

I’m currently running a promo where you can get a FREE copy of my e-book, “The Bride Wore Brains” from Smashwords.

The Bride Wore Brains

I designed it myself. Cheers to mediocre graphic design skills forcefully acquired in college.

 

Use the coupon code QW56T at checkout. You can download the e-book in several formats or you can read in your browser.

Note: this book contain graphic violence, strong language, and a character nicknamed after a sex toy. No joke. This isn’t Danielle Steel. You’ve been warned. 

Once you’ve read it, enjoyed it, hated it, or feel like you have to go to church afterwards, please leave a review at either Amazon, Goodreads, or Smashwords.