Emily Wesley Stringer

Rockula, 1990’s ONLY Vampire Musical Comedy

October 31st, 2016

And probably the only vampire musical comedy. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

You’re probably scratching your head and wondering what the hell Rokula is. Well, dear readers, you’re about to find out.

In honor of my own birthday, here’s a post about the majesty that is Rockula.

Rockula is a seemingly “lost” cult movie. I saw “lost” because if it wasn’t for weirdos on the Internet who upload videos to YouTube, movies like this would be lost to the ravages of time and modern technology. This is one of those movies which never survived the conversion from VHS to DVD. I’ve looked for the DVD several times and can only find the occasional bootleg copy. If this movie was ever released on DVD, it is since out of print. However, it is available on YouTube and weirdly Amazon Prime Video.

I stumbled across this movie two years ago while reading some list article about obscure Halloween movies. Whoever wrote it certainly did their homework. As a purveyor of pop culture and Halloween movies, this one was new to me. If I had discovered this earlier, my life might be completely different.

This is a damn masterpiece.

Starring Dean Cameron, Toni Basil, and Thomas Dolby, (you read that right. THE Toni Basil and THE Thomas Dolby). Rockula tells the story of Ralph,a 400 year-old vampire doomed to meet the reincarnated love of his life every 22 years only to have her die on Halloween over and over again.

Sounds like a fun premise, right?

It is, but this movie is a delightful shit show of early 90’s/late 80’s (because they are the same thing) madness AND random musical numbers. Also, it’s just plain weird in same parts. For example, Ralph lives with his mother (Toni Basil), the girl he loves is killed by a rhinestone-peg-legged pirate wielding a giant hambone, and he suddenly becomes a rock star hence the title. Now would be the time to say, you can’t make this stuff up. Only someone did and it was made into a movie.

This movie spoke to me because it’s a relic of a bygone era. A time when we had to leave the house and God forbid go to the video store if we wanted to a movie. A time when one-hit wonders of the last decade could actually get a role in a movie. That reminds me, has anyone checked on “You’re Beautiful” James Blunt lately? A time when one could seriously make a rock and roll vampire musical comedy with 80’s one-hit wonders in the cast. That doesn’t even sound plausible in 2016.

Rock on, 1990. Rock on!
David S. Pumpkins Is The Hero We Didn’t Know We Needed

October 25th, 2016

This delightfully weird and downright silly SNL sketch is the best thing you’ll see all day. Destined to become a Halloween and SNL classic, these roughly 5 minutes of pure insanity are proof the world isn’t so bad after all.

This is one of those sketches where the more you watch it, the funnier it gets. I’ve seen it about four times in three days and still haven’t gotten tired of it. Reminiscent of More Cowbell in its repetitive movements and anytime Chris Farley danced, this skit, called Haunted Elevator is currently winning the Internet. David S. Pumpkins’ suits have already sold out at various retailers, proving I’m not alone in my strange love for all things David S. Pumpkins.

Not only is the sketch funny, it’s random as hell, which for me is a hallmark trait of comedy. For example, why is this weirdo and his skeleton dancers in a haunted house? Who are they? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t.

Like one YouTube comment said,“This skit shouldn’t have been funny. I ended up rolling on the floor laughing.”

There isn’t much else to say about this. The main purpose of this post was to spread the majesty that is Mr. Pumpkins with the world, as well as having a “David S. Pumpkins” tag on my blog.

Enjoy!
Retro Halloween Commercials That Are Better Than Most Network Shows Today

October 10th, 2016

I’m not even joking about that. Network TV is having a harder time than Donald Trump’s campaign managers.

It’s terrible.

But, commercials are worse. Since we are essentially living in The Jetson’s, we hardly ever have to watch commercials anymore. I haven’t had cable since January 2012 and I’m never going back. I actually someone manage to watch more TV not having cable thanks to Netflix, Hulu, and my Mom’s HBO GO password (thanks, Mommy!).

Technology and medical advancements have eradicated small pox and given us phones that play videos, but we still have to watch the occasional commercial. If that isn’t injustice, I don’t know what is. Where’s Superman when we need him?

Since there are wonderful people on the Internet who upload “retro” videos to YouTube, we can relive a time when we had to watch commercials and they were better.

I’d probably punch a baby for a can of Slice. I’ve also given my husband permission to sleep with Elvira if ever given the chance. For those of you younger than about twenty-three, Slice was awesome. Sorry, not sorry you missed it. More for us!

Nothing gives me the warm fuzzies like this Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. Donuts and Halloween are two of my favorite things. Dunkin’ Donuts was a huge deal for me when I was a kid. By the way, I still love it. The chain wasn’t very common in my area until the past several years, so getting to go to Dunkin’ was a treat. If I was a death row criminal, their strawberry frosted would a part of my last meal.

Pizza Head is the ultimate obscure 90’s reference. I loved this as a kid. Now, as an adult I fully appreciate the amount of alcohol and drugs it probably took to get the brain power to create him. The marketing creative time who created Pizza Head will forever hold a special place in my 90’s kid heart.

McNuggets are gross. Don’t think anyone will try to fight me on that. When they are felt and dressed as monsters? Freaking precious. The Halloween McNugget Buddies are important to me (did I really just write that? Yes, I did. I need more things to do). These little “chicken” blobs are pure nostalgia for me. I’ve had the Frankenstein MuNugget in the picture below for probably twenty-two years. There is a large amount of these for sale online and have a weird cult following.

This is anything more American than keeping a Happy Meal toy for over half your life? Image.
Want A Sludge Ball? I’ve Got One

August 12th, 2016

I’m not talking about the Pokemon sludge ball. I have no clue what that is but Google suggested it when I was researching a source for this post. I’m assuming it’s something I’m not cool enough to know about.

A sludge ball in the medical sense is located in the gallbladder and is a ball (duh!)/pile of unmoved bile, gallstones, and other nutrients that causes gallbladder pain and digestive discomfort.

The human body is disgusting.

Isn’t he cute?

I am getting my gallbladder removed soon, then I can go back to enjoying hot sauce and everything else I enjoy instead of eating Frosted Mini Wheats for dinner.

How my co-workers must feel when I tell them how much I miss French fries and Buffalo sauce.

Luckily, I can drink coffee so I’m not a total monster.

Having a sludge ball and/or gallstones is no big deal and not exactly worth even posting about. My gallbladder hates me and is pretty much useless at this point, whatever. If it didn’t have the delightful name of “sludge ball” it wouldn’t have even bothered with this.

You’d think there would be a more eloquent sounding Latin-derived medical term.

Nope…SLUDGE BALL.

It sounds like something the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers would have defeated.

I will find any excuse to use this gif.

I know, dear readers, you are probably expecting me to post a picture of said sludge ball. For once, I’m keeping the squeamish in my thoughts and posts and instead leaving you with a damn gif and a cat picture.

Google at your own risk and think about me when you’re eating anything tasty slathered in jalapeno.
Suicide Squad is the Harley Quinn Show We’ve All Been Waiting For

August 7th, 2016

Suicide Squad is awesome.

The End.

#Squad

I could end this post there and you’d get the idea.

I’m pretty sure I might be leaving my husband for Margot Robbie. I’ll keep you posted.

This is the movie I’ve been the most excited about all summer. The clueless jackasses that are movie critics hated this which automatically means real people a.k.a not pretentious film snobs who bow at the altar of Daniel Day Lewis will love it.

Dat poster, though.

This movie is just fun. There are no other ways to describe it. It’s not ridiculous, overly dark (I’M LOOKING AT YOU BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN), or campy. DC tends to make their movies more realistic while Marvel fully embraces the fact they are making movies about mutants and Norse gods in space.

Suicide Squad embraces the best of both worlds and it works.

The clear show-stealer in this movie is Harley Quinn. The fan favorite finally has made it to the big screen after over twenty years of waiting. A Harley fan myself, I was admittedly worried how the batshit insane love of the Joker would translate to film. To me, Harley is probably the most “cartoony” of the comic book characters. This movie perfectly captures Harley’s insanity yet presents it in a “real” way. Harley’s costumes and overall look helped with the transition from comic book and animation to the big screen.While the classic Harley clown costume is awesome, I don’t think it would have worked well in this scenario.

Prepare yourselves for all the Harley Quinn costumes this Halloween.

Marriage goals.

One thing I wanted from this movie was more Joker. Jared Leto’s tattooed grill-wearing gangster version of the character is fantastic. He pays tribute to Heath Ledger with the voice, but his raw and disturbing insanity is all Leto.

Another thing that surprised me about this movie was Will Smith. I loved Will as a kid and was glad to see him back doing comedy and action instead of Oscar bait. Fingers crossed for a Fresh Prince reunion show.

There are a few serious and darker moments but overall it’s nothing like the DC movies we love to bitch about on the Internet.

Marvel has clearly won the comic book movie genre. If DC sticks with the Suicide Squad formula, it will be a tough competition.

Dear DC,

Make more movies like this.
This week by best friend and I went back to 6th grade…

August 5th, 2016

Not really, but we did go see 98 Degrees, O-Town, Dream, and Ryan Cabrera in concert.

This time we had booze.

It was a #ThrowbackThursday on a Tuesday I’ll never forget.

The often forgotten to the ravages of time and music evolution groups are on the My2K Tour this summer, serenading crowds of 24-30 year-old women across the country with the upbeat, somewhat cheesy, and infectious pop songs of yesteryear.

And it was freakin’ awesome!

Never have I witnessed a group experience such as this one, thousands of ~~people~~ women re-living the music of their youth, all sharing a common interest.

It was magical and just plain ‘ol fun!

These boy bands still got it. Seeing them live is nothing compared to watching them on your computer screen or on TRL in 1999. While Dream and Ryan Cabrera were fine performers, they didn’t steal the show. Let’s face it, we all just wanted to hear O-Town sing “All or Nothing” live and creep on Nick Lachey.

Spoiler alert: he is still pretty hot.

This concert experience full-filled my summer nostalgia for 2000’s pop jams and made my inner middle school self finally complete.

I do have photographic and video evidence I attended this event. I will save you from my horribly off-key snapchat videos and pictures of me covered in sweat in exchange for these YouTube videos.

While this was loads of fun, I’m still waiting for the NSYNC reunion.
Would You Like Some Cheesy Potatoes With That?

June 15th, 2016

I have a fascination with the darker side of life. I’m the type of person who has been into an embalming room by choice, been on police ride alongs, and have routinely asked my Catholic colleagues about the prevalence of exorcisms. No one should be surprised I’m slightly obsessed with Kelly, the woman featured on an episode of TLC’s Freaky Eaters who only eats cheese covered potatoes.

I would totally shove those down my word hole. Image.

Why? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because I like so many different foods and have a problem processing only eating two of them forever.

Maybe it’s because I am a good American and occasionally enjoy watching crap TLC shows.

Or maybe things like this bring out my inner psycho and seeing this makes me somehow feel better about myself.

“At least I’m not as crazy as that person on *insert TLC show* is.”

Face it, that’s why we all watch these shows (if that’s something you’re inclined to do). I’m a firm believer in the power of mindless entertainment for the point of relaxation and turning off your brain at the end of the day, which is another place these shows come in.

I’ve never actually seen this episode of the show. I was introduced to this now Internet-famous person via the magical wonderland of Tumblr.

In this clip, Kelly explains when she was a child she was forced to eat something she didn’t like (like EVERY PERSON EVER) and then her cheesy potato-laden life began. She’s been eating cheesy potatoes every day for every meal for 30 FREAKING YEARS!

Not only does this episode fascinate me, it also bothers me. Not only because of the fact this woman only eats cheesy potatoes, but the fact she’s a grown woman and freakin’ cries when she sees a vegetable. I mean, really? Who does that?

THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU, KELLY! Image.

I understand not liking a certain food but literally breaking down and crying because your husband wants you to eat something healthy is baffling to me. I mean, I hate watermelon, beef stroganoff, and sloppy joes, but I don’t cry when I see them.

So, why am I writing about this and what does it mean? Well, besides the fact I’m using this to express my weird fascination with this and hope someone else finds it was ridiculous and fascinating as I do.

We can also learn something from this.

Let’s start with the obvious: cheesy potatoes are damn delicious. But we can’t or shouldn’t eat them all the time.

Sometimes we have to grow up and eat a vegetable.
Summer Nostalgia For Cheesy 2000’s Pop Tunes

June 7th, 2016

Something about the summer and warmer weather gets me all nostalgic for the ~~horrible~~ AWESOME, cheesy pop tunes of my middle school years. Hearing these songs reminds me of the days before we all bought organic almond milk and phones weren’t smart. I’ve noticed people my age tend to be VERY nostalgic. I blame this on the fact we have the world the power of Google literally with us constantly. This gives us the ability search for those obscure songs, movies, music videos and TV shows from yester-year whenever we get the urge or someone asks you if you remember said pop culture event from 2004.

Gone are the days of waiting for TRL to play your favorite song, recording songs off the radio with a cassette tape, and giving your computer a million viruses by downloading music from LimeWire and Napster.Thanks to Apple Music, Spotify, Amazon and the angels from Heaven who upload music to YouTube, we can hear any song any time we want on multiple devices. We no longer have to pay anywhere from $15 to $25 for a CD and only like a few songs.

It doesn’t get more 2000’s than this photo.

While these technologies have improved the entertainment aspect of our lives, hearing a song you like isn’t the anymore because you can simply pull said song up any time on your phone. There’s little thrill in hear “your jam” on the radio after listening to hours of Avril Lavinge on repeat, (note: Avril was never my jam but I still totally downloaded her songs).

I was wrong, it did get more 2000’s in here.

My husband, who is ten years older than me has made fun of my everlasting and undying love for this crap music. But then he told me that you will always love the music you grew up with.

Such as this wonderful garbage. CLICK THE LINK! I DARE YOU!

This is something I’ve found to be true as I get older and makes me happy I don’t hate all the crap music from almost twenty years ago.

I recently took all of my old CDs both burned and legit which were scratched beyond repair to my city’s electronics recycling center. This is something that I flip-flopped about doing for some time. I was torn between keeping an old part of myself and my hatred of clutter. My adult self won because I realized just because I no longer had those old, scratched and barely playing CDs, the boy bands live on!

If you too are feeling randomly nostalgic, here’s a Spotify playlist I’ve created over the past few years with 31 HOURS OF 2000’S TUNES.

You read that correctly, 31 hours.

Enjoy, or don’t.
Let’s celebrate Friday the 13th by honoring a fictional serial killer in a hockey mask

May 13th, 2016

Happy Friday the 13th fellow, weirdos!

Only to be rivaled with Halloween, today is the next spookiest day of the year.

KITTY!

Whether or not you are superstitious or even give a crap about Friday the 13th, we can’t deny the impact on our culture, especially when it comes to the movie franchise sharing the name with the infamous day.

Maybe it will be a casual Friday and the boss will bring donuts?

Even if you don’t like horror movies or the series, you’ve probably seen at least one or more of the 12 films in the series. The theme song alone can make the faint of heart weep and want to watch the Hallmark Channel.There’s a reason why there is a marathon every time Friday lands on the 13th day of the month. The cleverly named horror franchise is a cultural icon because there’s nothing America loves more than a psycho butchering teens for having sex in the woods.

I spent three years of my late teens and early twenties working at a Blockbuster (RIP). Horror was by far the most popular genre of movie. Being a horror fan, I was the go-to person for recommending new and old fright flicks. After working there a while, I noticed that even during the heyday of torture porn and horror movie ultra violence people tended to love the classics the best.

No more so than Mr. Hockey Mask himself, Jason Voorhees.

Horror fans tend to compare what I call The Big Three; Freddy, Michael, and Jason.

Hey guys!

Back in my video store days, this is what I noticed when it comes to three of my fav fellows; people are the most scared of Freddy and Michael yet like the Jason movies the best.

Interesting observation.

Here are my theories regarding the matter:

You can’t avoid Freddy Krueger. You have to sleep and if he’s going to kill you, there’s no way to stop him. Freddy is the only one of these guys with a personality and who actually speaks which is maybe why people are so afraid of him. Not only will he kill you in your dreams, but he can say something funny while he’s doing it. Also, he’s supernatural so there is no concrete way to control him.

Michael Myers on the other hand is straight up psycho. Unlike Freddy and Jason (although he wasn’t supernatural until later in the series), Michael isn’t supernatural. Even though he’s survived numerous gunshot wounds and other trauma, Michael keeps coming back. Mainly because we kept watching the movies. The thought of a mute, cold-blooded killer who used to be a little boy in a clown costume hacking you to bits is terrifying. Plus, you can’t avoid Halloween. So if you’re a babysitter or a dumb drunk teenager on Halloween in Haddonfield, Illinois sorry about your luck.

Jason Voorhees is also a mute psycho but a sympathetic one. Even though we love violence and horror, people still have a soft spot for a disfigured child with a crazy mother. Said child eventually grows up to be an undead serial killer but it’s all good because of sequels.

IT’S NOT HIS FAULT!

Back to the sympathetic aspect of the character. Jason was ignored and bullied by his fellow Camp Crystal Lake compadres and counselors. When he becomes a crazed and awesome killer, he takes out his frustrations and vengeance on those who remind him of his bullies.

I believe that is something we can relate to on some level. Not that I’m saying we all want to put on a hockey mask and slaughter those who have wronged us. But there is something satisfying and feeds our inner sociopaths in seeing bullies and other jerks get decapitated in the most ridiculous way possible. In movies, of course. I feel like the fact we subconsciously feel sorry for him leads us to root for Jason instead of being scared of him.

That’s just my theory.

Now enjoy this awesome video of Jason killing people set to “Come On Eileen”.
Writing Advice: Planning And Outlining

April 8th, 2016
My mom asked me a few weeks ago if I plan out books I’ve written/am working on or if I make them up as I go.

The answer is “yes” to both.

There are no set rules to writing, or how to get it done. One rule I would follow is to NOT start a story with a character waking up, unless they are in a body bag, but that’s another post for another day.

All that matters is you got your writing done. Who cares how you got there?

I tend to write down what I want to happen in the story and then make it happen. I also write chapters and scenes out of order. It makes it easier for me to make things happen in the story this way.

When you are creating a fictional universe, you get the chance to unleash your inner sociopath and play God. Regardless of your plans, things might change and that is okay. Which is why I said yes to both making things up and planning. If you are writing a complex fictional world where things are actually happening, things will happen along the way that force you to change things, hence playing God.

If you choose to plan/outline here are some pointers:
1. Keep your notes in one place
This is self explanatory. It’s much easier to keep everything you need relating to one project in a single location. Switch between apps/programs until you find the one that works best for you. I currently use Google Keep which is available across various platforms. I type up notes and ideas on the go and use them when the time comes.

2. Actually write stuff down

I know it’s scary having to actually write something down. Sorry, fellow youngsters, we’re going back to 1999 and getting out our pen and paper! I find taking the pen to paper helps when I’m suffering from writer’s block. Removing yourself from technology and distractions is the best thing you can do for your creative projects. Turn off the Wi-Fi, close your laptop, and take a pen to your shiny, new notebook!

To make this work, I recommend investing in a good notebook for this seemingly daunting task to be as enjoyable as possible.

Moleskine is the king of all notebooks and my personal favorite. The hefty price tag is worth the investment in your writing. Unless you’re writing Fifty Shades Of Grey fan fiction. Then you just need to analyze your life choices.

For quality writing only. Image via.

3. DON’T DELETE/THROW ANYTHING AWAY UNLESS YOU ARE SURE YOU DO NOT NEED IT!

This is probably the most important and obvious. Let’s say you write down an outline for a chapter that you then decide to omit from your book. You then delete it. Later, you are writing and remember you had this awesome idea for X, but you don’t remember what said awesome idea was. You frantically search for it only to discover your dumbass deleted it. WHOMP WHOMP!

This is why you keep things.

As always, take my advice or don’t. Otherwise, write on.