Rockula, 1990’s ONLY Vampire Musical Comedy

And probably the only vampire musical comedy. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

You’re probably scratching your head and wondering what the hell Rokula is. Well, dear readers, you’re about to find out.

In honor of my own birthday, here’s a post about the majesty that is Rockula.

Rockula is a seemingly “lost” cult movie. I saw “lost” because if it wasn’t for weirdos on the Internet who upload videos to YouTube, movies like this would be lost to the ravages of time and modern technology. This is one of those movies which never survived the conversion from VHS to DVD. I’ve looked for the DVD several times and can only find the occasional bootleg copy. If this movie was ever released on DVD, it is since out of print. However, it is available on YouTube and weirdly Amazon Prime Video.

I stumbled across this movie two years ago while reading some list article about obscure Halloween movies. Whoever wrote it certainly did their homework. As a purveyor of pop culture and Halloween movies, this one was new to me. If I had discovered this earlier, my life might be completely different.

Starring Dean Cameron, Toni Basil, and Thomas Dolby, (you read that right. THE Toni Basil and THE Thomas Dolby). Rockula tells the story of Ralph,a 400 year-old vampire doomed to meet the reincarnated love of his life every 22 years only to have her die on Halloween over and over again.

Sounds like a fun premise, right?

 

It is, but this movie is a delightful shit show of early 90’s/late 80’s (because they are the same thing) madness AND random musical numbers. Also, it’s just plain weird in same parts. For example, Ralph lives with his mother (Toni Basil), the girl he loves is killed by a rhinestone-peg-legged pirate wielding a giant hambone, and he suddenly becomes a rock star hence the title. Now would be the time to say, you can’t make this stuff up. Only someone did and it was made into a movie.

This movie spoke to me because it’s a relic of a bygone era. A time when we had to leave the house and God forbid go to the video store if we wanted to a movie. A time when one-hit wonders of the last decade could actually get a role in a movie. That reminds me, has anyone checked on “You’re Beautiful” James Blunt lately? A time when one could seriously make a rock and roll vampire musical comedy with 80’s one-hit wonders in the cast. That doesn’t even sound plausible in 2016.

Rock on, 1990. Rock on!

David S. Pumpkins Is The Hero We Didn’t Know We Needed

This delightfully weird and downright silly SNL sketch is the best thing you’ll see all day. Destined to become a Halloween and SNL classic, these roughly 5 minutes of pure insanity are proof the world isn’t so bad after all.

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This is one of those sketches where the more you watch it, the funnier it gets. I’ve seen it about four times in three days and still haven’t gotten tired of it. Reminiscent of More Cowbell in its repetitive movements and anytime Chris Farley danced, this skit, called Haunted Elevator is currently winning the Internet. David S. Pumpkins’ suits have already sold out at various retailers, proving I’m not alone in my strange love for all things David S. Pumpkins.

Not only is the sketch funny, it’s random as hell, which for me is a hallmark trait of comedy. For example, why is this weirdo and his skeleton dancers in a haunted house? Who are they? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t.

Like one YouTube comment said,“This skit shouldn’t have been funny. I ended up rolling on the floor laughing.”

There isn’t much else to say about this. The main purpose of this post was to spread the majesty that is Mr. Pumpkins with the world, as well as having a “David S. Pumpkins” tag on my blog.

Enjoy!

 

Retro Halloween Commercials That Are Better Than Most Network Shows Today

I’m not even joking about that. Network TV is having a harder time than Donald Trump’s campaign managers.

It’s terrible.

But, commercials are worse. Since we are essentially living in The Jetson’s, we hardly ever have to watch commercials anymore. I haven’t had cable since January 2012 and I’m never going back. I actually someone manage to watch more TV not having cable thanks to Netflix, Hulu, and my Mom’s HBO GO password (thanks, Mommy!).

Technology and medical advancements have eradicated small pox and given us phones that play videos, but we still have to watch the occasional commercial. If that isn’t injustice, I don’t know what is. Where’s Superman when we need him?

Since there are wonderful people on the Internet who upload “retro” videos to YouTube, we can relive a time when we had to watch commercials and they were better.

I’d probably punch a baby for a can of Slice. I’ve also given my husband permission to sleep with Elvira if ever given the chance. For those of you younger than about twenty-three, Slice was awesome. Sorry, not sorry you missed it. More for us!

Nothing gives me the warm fuzzies like this Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. Donuts and Halloween are two of my favorite things. Dunkin’ Donuts was a huge deal for me when I was a kid. By the way, I still love it. The chain wasn’t very common in my area until the past several years, so getting to go to Dunkin’ was a treat. If I was a death row criminal, their strawberry frosted would a part of my last meal.

Pizza Head is the ultimate obscure 90’s reference. I loved this as a kid. Now, as an adult I fully appreciate the amount of alcohol and drugs it probably took to get the brain power to create him. The marketing creative time who created Pizza Head will forever hold a special place in my 90’s kid heart.

McNuggets are gross. Don’t think anyone will try to fight me on that. When they are felt and dressed as monsters? Freaking precious. The Halloween McNugget Buddies are important to me (did I really just write that? Yes, I did. I need more things to do). These little “chicken” blobs are pure nostalgia for me. I’ve had the Frankenstein MuNugget in the picture below for probably twenty-two years. There is a large amount of these for sale online and have a weird cult following.

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This is anything more American than keeping a Happy Meal toy for over half your life? Image.

This week by best friend and I went back to 6th grade…

Not really, but we did go see 98 Degrees, O-Town, Dream, and Ryan Cabrera in concert.

This time we had booze.

It was a #ThrowbackThursday on a Tuesday I’ll never forget.

The often forgotten to the ravages of time and music evolution groups are on the My2K Tour this summer, serenading crowds of 24-30 year-old women across the country with the upbeat, somewhat cheesy, and infectious pop songs of yesteryear.

And it was freakin’ awesome!

Never have I witnessed a group experience such as this one, thousands of people women re-living the music of their youth, all sharing a common interest.

It was magical and just plain ‘ol fun!

These boy bands still got it. Seeing them live is nothing compared to watching them on your computer screen or on TRL in 1999. While Dream and Ryan Cabrera were fine performers, they didn’t steal the show. Let’s face it, we all just wanted to hear O-Town sing “All or Nothing” live and creep on Nick Lachey.

Spoiler alert: he is still pretty hot.

This concert experience full-filled my summer nostalgia for 2000’s pop jams and made my inner middle school self finally complete.

I do have photographic and video evidence I attended this event. I will save you from my horribly off-key snapchat videos and pictures of me covered in sweat in exchange for these YouTube videos.

While this was loads of fun, I’m still waiting for the NSYNC reunion.

Would you like some cheesy potatoes with that?

I have a fascination with the darker side of life. I’m the type of person who has been into an embalming room by choice, been on police ride alongs, and have routinely asked my Catholic colleagues about the prevalence of exorcisms. No one should be surprised I’m slightly obsessed with Kelly, the woman featured on an episode of TLC’s Freaky Eaters who only eats cheese covered potatoes.

 

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I would totally shove those down my word hole. Image.

 

Why? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because I like so many different foods and have a problem processing only eating two of them forever.

Maybe it’s because I am a good American and occasionally enjoy watching crap TLC shows.

Or maybe things like this bring out my inner psycho and seeing this makes me somehow feel better about myself. “Hey! I’m 27, poor, much less successful than my friends, overweight, and a crappy writer, but at least I’m not as crazy as that person on *insert TLC show* is.” 

Face it, that’s why we all watch these shows (if that’s something you’re inclined to do). I’m a firm believer in the power of mindless entertainment for the point of relaxation and turning off your brain at the end of the day, which is another place these shows come in.

I’ve never actually seen this episode of the show. I was introduced to this now Internet-famous person via the magical wonderland of Tumblr.

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In this clip, Kelly explains when she was a child she was forced to eat something she didn’t like (like EVERY PERSON EVER) and then her cheesy potato-laden life began. She’s been eating cheesy potatoes every day for every meal for 30 FREAKING YEARS!

Not only does this episode fascinate me, it also bothers me. Not only because of the fact this woman only eats cheesy potatoes but the fact she’s a grown woman and freakin’ cries when she sees a vegetable. I mean, really? Who does that?

 

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THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU, KELLY! Image.

 

I understand not liking a certain food but literally breaking down and crying because your husband wants you to eat something healthy is baffling to me. I mean, I hate watermelon, beef stroganoff, and sloppy joes but I don’t cry when I see them.

So, why am I writing about this and what does it mean? Well, besides the fact I’m using this to express my weird fascination with this and hope someone else finds it was ridiculous and fascinating as I do.

We can also learn something from this.

Let’s start with the obvious: cheesy potatoes are damn delicious. But we can’t or shouldn’t eat them all the time.

Sometimes we have to grow up and eat a vegetable.

 

 

Let’s celebrate Friday the 13th by honoring a fictional serial killer in a hockey mask

Happy Friday the 13th fellow, weirdos!

Only to be rivaled with Halloween, today is the next spookiest day of the year.

Whether or not you are superstitious or even give a crap about Friday the 13th, we can’t deny the impact on our culture, especially when it comes to the movie franchise sharing the name with the infamous day.

Even if you don’t like horror movies or the series, you’ve probably seen at least one or more of the 12 films in the series. The theme song alone can make the faint of heart weep and want to watch the Hallmark Channel.There’s a reason why there is a marathon every time Friday lands on the 13th day of the month. The cleverly named horror franchise is a cultural icon because there’s nothing America loves more than a psycho butchering teens for having sex in the woods.

I spent three years of my late teens and early twenties working at a Blockbuster (RIP). Horror was by far the most popular genre of movie. Being a horror fan, I was the go-to person for recommending new and old fright flicks. After working there a while, I noticed that even during the heyday of torture porn and horror movie ultra violence people tended to love the classics the best.

No more so than Mr. Hockey Mask himself, Jason Voorhees.

Horror fans tend to compare what I call The Big Three; Freddy, Michael, and Jason.

 

Back in my video store days, this is what I noticed when it comes to three of my fav fellows; people are the most scared of Freddy and Michael yet like the Jason movies the best.

Interesting observation.

Here are my theories regarding the matter:

You can’t avoid Freddy Krueger. You have to sleep and if he’s going to kill you, there’s no way to stop him. Freddy is the only one of these guys with a personality and who actually speaks which is maybe why people are so afraid of him. Not only will he kill you in your dreams, but he can say something funny while he’s doing it. Also, he’s supernatural so there is no concrete way to control him.

Michael Myers on the other hand is straight up psycho. Unlike Freddy and Jason (although he wasn’t supernatural until later in the series), Michael isn’t supernatural. Even though he’s survived numerous gunshot wounds and other trauma, Michael keeps coming back. Mainly because we kept watching the movies. The thought of a mute, cold-blooded killer who used to be a little boy in a clown costume hacking you to bits is terrifying. Plus, you can’t avoid Halloween. So if you’re a babysitter or a dumb drunk teenager on Halloween in Haddonfield, Illinois sorry about your luck.

Jason Voorhees is also a mute psycho but a sympathetic one. Even though we love violence and horror, people still have a soft spot for a disfigured child with a crazy mother. Said child eventually grows up to be an undead serial killer but it’s all good because of sequels.

 

Back to the sympathetic aspect of the character. Jason was ignored and bullied by his fellow Camp Crystal Lake compadres and counselors. When he becomes a crazed and awesome killer, he takes out his frustrations and vengeance on those who remind him of his bullies. 

I believe that is something we can relate to on some level. Not that I’m saying we all want to put on a hockey mask and slaughter those who have wronged us. But there is something satisfying and feeds our inner sociopaths in seeing bullies and other jerks get decapitated in the most ridiculous way possible. In movies, of course. I feel like the fact we subconsciously feel sorry for him leads us to root for Jason instead of being scared of him.

That’s just my theory.

Now enjoy this awesome video of Jason killing people set to “Come On Eileen”.