Dynasty S2 E3-“Alexis’ Secret”

The Drama Really Starts

Oh, Alexis… what are you up to now?

A lot. She’s up to a lot. It’s only season 2.

This episode serves as somewhat of a mild preview of things to come, i.e., Krystle and Alexis at each other’s throats, a.k.a, what we came here for.

This episode opens with Fallon, a grown woman, sitting in a tree in a short, sexy nightgown. Awkward. Not only that, but it’s like 7 a.m. She is staring off into space. Cut to Jeff, who wakes up and finds her gone. He goes outside shirtless and doesn’t seem bothered that his wife is sitting in a tree.

Dynasty Season 2 Alexis' Secret
Not an easy outfit to climb a tree in. Respect, Fallon.

He asks Fallon “WTF?” She laments on how life was better when they were kids (no shit) and recalls how she used to climb the tree. So, she climbs it again to make herself feel better. At least she has one healthy coping mechanism.

Anyway, she also talks about how everything was better before her precious Daddy married Krystle. She bitches about how if Blake hadn’t married Krystle, everything would be how it used to be. She’s also pissed that Alexis came back. She makes some quip about her mother drinking margaritas with her “crowd”. Sounds like the dream. Not only does Fallon have Daddy issues, she’s got major Mommy issues, too. Double red flags. Jeff’s like, “too bad. Come back to bed.”

Fallon takes that as a hint that it’s time for some sexy stuff. She tells him sex won’t cure anything, and that he is being insensitive. After she says some bullshit about how her husband is supposed to make her feel better. Duh, Fallon. That’s what sex is for! It’s fun. They do have a nice kiss, though. Jeff then asks Fallon one of the big questions of the entire series, “Does it ever occur to you to blame yourself? To admit that you’re a selfish, egotistical, shallow kid? Next time remind me to fall in love with a woman – not a spoiled brat!”

Haha, Jeff. Good one.

*Sighs* At least she’s hot.

Blake and Krystle are in their bedroom where Krystle is doing what she does best; staring out a window forlornly. Suddenly, Blake is all excited about having another kid. Remember, just yesterday when he was all pissed and said he wished he’d never had Fallon and Steven?

Now on to the good stuff.

Alexis has officially moved in. HELL YEAH. She’s in the kitchen at the mansion. For some reason, Alexis was always in the kitchen at the mansion in this season. I’m sure this was a budget issue. As avid TV watchers know, the second season of a show tends to have less elaborate sets than Season 5s. I’m not the only one that has noticed this. There is a YouTube channel that uploads Dynasty clips with a lot of comments about this. A super cut of Alexis in the kitchen would be amazing.

Alexis sniffs a bunch of fruit. Interesting character choice, but I get it. If you know, you know. Nothing like biting into an unripened pear. She chats with Mrs. Gunnerson, the Carrington family chef, and tells her about how much she misses her food. Some weird shit and grapefruit sherbet.

She tells Mrs. Gunnerson there’s no phone in her studio and she needs some things delivered. She asks her to order some kitchen items and some champagne. Mrs. Gunnerson asks, “one bottle?”

Alexis is like, “LOL no. This isn’t high school. A case of champagne.”

Alexis is not fucking around. Thanks to @alexis_carrington_fashionista for the photo. Let’s get a case of champagne sometime.

Joseph enters. Alexis talks about how busy she’s going to be painting and won’t have time to cook, and needs someone to help her. She’ll be busy, but not painting.

Joseph says no, girl. You can’t do this. He makes some remark about her learning to cook. She says, “if scrambled eggs and toast count, yes…”

It does count. Absolutely.

It’s weird to think there was a time when you couldn’t just hop online and buy everything that you need for your new/old studio apartment that’s located on your rich ex-husband’s property. Guess you need dishes to enact that revenge plan?

Krystle comes in and she is pissed. Rightly so. She drags Alexis through the mansion. They stop in the living room. Alexis points out how not much has changed and makes herself right at home. Krystle is like, “this is not your home, bitch.”

She stands glaring at Alexis. It’s a great scene. Alexis calls her “Kristen” which, I thought was the funniest shit ever. This is what happens when you get a little high on legal cannabis and watch Dynasty.

Here’s a video. I can’t do this justice. This is what we came here for.

The vibe here is that Alexis is clearly intrigued by Krystle and sees her as a worthy opponent to win back Blake’s affection.

Game on, bitches.

Back to Blake’s office. He’s with Lawyer Andrew. Blake tells him to get rid of Alexis by paying her off or buying back the studio from her. Blake also tells him to go pick up Claudia from the hospital.

Just because you pay off Alexis doesn’t mean she’s going to leave.

Come on, Blake. You know better.

Blake is also pissed he has to go meet a probation officer. He asks Andrew if he can pull some rich, white guy strings and get the probation officer to come to him. Lawyer Andy tells him no. Blake sucks it up.

He also tells Lawyer Andy that he wants Steven cut out of his will. Andy is shocked and tries to talk him out of it. He fails.

Blake goes to the probation office where he sits next to the most 80’s looking criminals straight out of central casting. Criminal #1 tells Blake he has “nice threads”. Blake is confused. Criminal #1 thinks he recognizes Blake. Blake is like, “no buddy”. Criminal #1 assumes Blake marries rich old ladies for their money, then tries to sell him a stolen TV. LOL WHAT? Blake goes to a cop and is pissed he’s waiting. God forbid the almighty Blake Carrington wait for anything.

Lawyer Andy goes to pick up Claudia from the hospital. He tells her that Matthew has taken her daughter, Lindsey, to South America. She goes on a mini rant about getting custody of her daughter. Andy tells her that’s not the best idea and that she will most likely be labeled an unfit mother due to her past mental health issues and affair with Steven. Literally, no one gives a shit about this. However, Claudia becomes vital to a later storyline in this season.

Back at the mansion/studio, Fallon is skeet shooting while a generic beefcake guy is pulling the clay pigeons. The Carrington/Colby clan are the last people, fictional or otherwise, who need access to guns. Alexis tries to chat it up with Fallon, who is not having it. She is questioning Fallon about Kristen; I mean Krystle.

Fallon replies that “She’s not my stepmother. She’s my father’s wife.”
Damn, Fallon. That’s cold. She’s annoying, but I’m here for her comebacks. Alexis then asks, “she’s strong, isn’t she?”. She tells Fallon she thinks Krystle is beautiful. I mean, she is. The way these lines are delivered it’s like Alexis has a crush on her.

So, where is that fan fiction?

Alexis hints that Blake might leave too much money to Krystle and not Fallon and Steven. Fallon is like “LOL, no bitch. Daddy will take care of me.” Alexis tries to play it off like she’s concerned about her children’s futures. She probably is, but the show needs a new villain.

Obviously, not the villain.

Andrew drops Claudia off at her house and is ready to GTFO. He goes back to Blake’s office who is only concerned about getting rid of Alexis. Andy looks at him and basically rolls his eyes. He reminds Blake he’s been busy today. Naturally, Blake yells at him, “use money to get rid of her!”

Andrew asks how much? Blake says half a million. Andrew spits out his coffee. He says it’s too much. Blake is not pleased. Andrew says he’ll work on it.

Sure, Jan.

Cut to Claudia’s super nice house. I guess working the oil fields pays well. She is wandering around doing weird Claudia things in a bedroom that was clearly meant for a baby, not a teenager, which her daughter was in the previous season. She starts taking a bunch of pills, which leads to what I think is one of the most ridiculous scenes in the whole series. This is Dynasty, so that’s really saying something.

Back at Blake’s office. Does this guy ever actually do any work? No, no, he doesn’t. Blake calls Claudia to check on her. How thoughtful. Let me rephrase that: Blake has his secretary, Marsha, call Claudia. Marsha tells Blake something isn’t right with the call. Claudia is on the other end of the phone, mumbling.

Blake rushes over to Claudia’s after he makes a call to Dr. Nick Toscanini. Holy shit. He drives a Delorean. Obviously. What else would he drive? He comes out of nowhere to save the day! However, we soon find out he has more sinister motives…

This is his real credit. Damn, I love this show.

Nick is a psychiatrist who specializes in athletes and works for Blake’s football team. Why is there a football team in this episode of Dynasty? This is not what I came here for. Go team?

Dr. T is TV character cannon fodder. Dynasty, much like Game of Thrones, is chalked-full of these characters. Just wait until you read my personal manifesto about how GOT and Dynasty are the same show.

This is the only football reference I know.

I’m a huge asshole because I laughed at this scene. Mainly at the fact that Dr. Nicky T is supposed to be this excellent doctor and he’s dragging poor Claudia around like a doped up rag doll, you know, instead of getting her actual help! Go ahead and cancel me, but you won’t because you’d laugh, too. See you in hell. Also, this scene brought up a repressed memory. No, it’s nothing horrible. Claudia’s ramblings of “sleepy, sleepy, sleepy, seepy” inspired a joke in my family. Our beloved Boxer dog, Fudge, was a power sleeper. My mom used to talk him to sleep and say that to him. We used to cuddle and watch Dynasty. He was a good boy. Now, I say that to my dogs.

Here is why this scene is bonkers; instead of trying to get the pills out of her body, like with barf, or a stomach pump, he hoists her up and starts carrying her around like a wet marionette that’s about to die. This is happening all while Nicky T is telling borderline incoherent stories about his stupid family. Blake uselessly stares on. She starts to wake up. Nicky T yells to get her to the bathroom and says this isn’t going to be pretty.

Guess this is where the barf comes in?

I’m no doctor, but there is probably a better option than that.

Back at the mansion, Alexis is outside painting her studio. Lawyer Andy approaches her. Good on him for following through! Alexis makes a comment about how he’s had the same briefcase the last time he came to see her at the house which was the day he “made her sign that piece of paper”, which we can assume was the contract Blake made her sign to keep her away from Denver. Andy is not fucking around and tells her Blake wants to buy the studio from her.

Alexis is like, “bitch, please. No.” She proceeds to tell Andy she’s not going anywhere and is back to Denver to protect Steven’s interest and to fuck shit up in the best way possible. Andy then tells her Blake cut Steven out of his will. Alexis is not pleased with this development.

Claudia wakes up in one of the many rooms in the mansion. Nicky T is staring at her. He fills her in on the events of the day, introduces himself, and goes on about how he saved her. He starts going on about his stupid family… again. Claudia probably wishes she’d taken more pills.

Nick goes downstairs to talk to Blake. He tells him Claudia is going to be okay and makes a snide remark about how he’s never been to the mansion. Huh? I’ve literally never been to the home of anyone who employees me. Then, Nick (and rightly so), bitches at Blake for calling him and not an ambulance—you know FOR THE WOMAN WHO TOOK A SHIT TON OF PILLS!!

Blake, being a self-absorbed jerk who is supposed to be the hero of this story, didn’t want to call attention to Claudia’s suicide attempt. Why? In season 1, which I skipped, Claudia was forced into being a witness at Blake’s murder trial. He claims the media will blame him for her suicide attempt and he doesn’t need that kind of negativity in his life.

Nick is pissed and pretty much tells Blake he’s an idiot. Blake demands Nick treat Claudia at the mansion. He’s not a fan of this idea. He then storms out of Blake’s study, where about half of the episodes of Dynasty take place, and runs into Krystle.

Suddenly, realizing Blake has a hot wife, he’s interested and Blake offers to double his fee. To get this plot line moving forward, Nicky T agrees.

Fallon is on the phone trying to track down Michael, the former chauffeur she was boinking last season. Krystle walks by. They have a brief, catty exchange. Krystle tells Fallon she’s pregnant. Fallon is pissed. She has plans…

In the next scene, we see Fallon outside of a motel that George Carlin would file under a “sleep and fuck”. Jeff pulls up and is rightly confused. Fallon tells Jeff she feels kinky during the full moon (I’m pretty sure that’s just ovulation, Fallon). She tells him she wants to have a baby. Jeff is suddenly interested. SPOILER: it works. Fallon gets knocked up.

Steven comes home and finds Alexis in his sad apartment. He’s like, “mom, WTF are you doing here? How did you get in?” Alexis tells him his landlady let her in. NOTE: Steven needs to move. That’s a massive violation. Alexis has ordered a bunch of food from Jensen’s, because she says she is “a fiasco in the kitchen.”

Same girl, same.

Halfway through my Dynasty rewatch journey, I cracked under the pressure and kept watching beyond what I’ve recapped. I COULDN’T HELP IT! I’M WEAK! Jensen’s is also the name of the florists and jewelry store mentioned later. Is Jensen’s the Carrington’s equivalent of Costco? Only instead of $1.50 hot dogs at the food court, there’s caviar? Not gonna lie, I’d hit up Jensen’s.

Alexis tells Steven she needs to make up with Blake. He isn’t thrilled with this suggestion. She tells him he is Blake’s only child and that he better play nice with Daddy Blake for the sake of money, obviously. Steven is like, “WTF?” He doesn’t believe her and thinks she is bullshitting him only because she and Fallon don’t get along.

“Steven, I am just screwing with you and Blake. Why? Because it’s fun!”

So many plot lines in such a short amount of time…

Cut to Nicky T’s weird, 80s cabin. He’s on the phone with his sister. He tells her he’s finally gotten into Blake’s house and that he moved to Denver to “pay that man back.”

This will never get old.

“Alexis’ Secret” random thoughts and observations:

  1. Scrambled eggs and toast is cooking! Fuck off, Joseph.
  2. I’ve always wanted to try skeet shooting. There are several scenes of skeet shooting in this show. One is pivotal to the overall series. If you’ve seen this show before, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
  3. Fallon and Alexis are cut from the same cloth. As much as I hate saying it, Blake was right.
  4. This episode fulfills the quota for strategically placed houseplants in cheap wicker pots. Come on, Blake! You can afford a ceramic pot. I’m a poor millennial with, like, $4, and there are ABSOLUTELY NO WICKER POTS IN MY HOUSE! Get it together, Carrington.
  5. Note: the strategically placed houseplants in Blake’s office are, in fact, ceramic. WTF BLAKE? ARE YOU TOO CHEAP TO BUY CERAMIC FOR YOUR HOME? DO YOU CHARGE CERAMIC POTS AS A “BUSINESS EXPENSE”? That’s a classic move out of the cheap ass rich guy playbook. You’re too cheap for a ceramic pot but not too cheap to pay half a mill for a crummy art studio on your own property?
  6. Watching a show and writing about a show are very different experiences, which is why I kept watching ahead. However, I’ve slowed down a bit so I could get caught up.

Fashion MVB (Most Valuable Bitch):

Hands down, shirtless Jeff. We aren’t gendering bitch on this blog.

Final Rating: 4/5 Shoulder Pads


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