Rockula, 1990’s ONLY Vampire Musical Comedy

And probably the only vampire musical comedy. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

You’re probably scratching your head and wondering what the hell Rokula is. Well, dear readers, you’re about to find out.

In honor of my own birthday, here’s a post about the majesty that is Rockula.

Rockula is a seemingly “lost” cult movie. I saw “lost” because if it wasn’t for weirdos on the Internet who upload videos to YouTube, movies like this would be lost to the ravages of time and modern technology. This is one of those movies which never survived the conversion from VHS to DVD. I’ve looked for the DVD several times and can only find the occasional bootleg copy. If this movie was ever released on DVD, it is since out of print. However, it is available on YouTube and weirdly Amazon Prime Video.

I stumbled across this movie two years ago while reading some list article about obscure Halloween movies. Whoever wrote it certainly did their homework. As a purveyor of pop culture and Halloween movies, this one was new to me. If I had discovered this earlier, my life might be completely different.

Starring Dean Cameron, Toni Basil, and Thomas Dolby, (you read that right. THE Toni Basil and THE Thomas Dolby). Rockula tells the story of Ralph,a 400 year-old vampire doomed to meet the reincarnated love of his life every 22 years only to have her die on Halloween over and over again.

Sounds like a fun premise, right?

 

It is, but this movie is a delightful shit show of early 90’s/late 80’s (because they are the same thing) madness AND random musical numbers. Also, it’s just plain weird in same parts. For example, Ralph lives with his mother (Toni Basil), the girl he loves is killed by a rhinestone-peg-legged pirate wielding a giant hambone, and he suddenly becomes a rock star hence the title. Now would be the time to say, you can’t make this stuff up. Only someone did and it was made into a movie.

This movie spoke to me because it’s a relic of a bygone era. A time when we had to leave the house and God forbid go to the video store if we wanted to a movie. A time when one-hit wonders of the last decade could actually get a role in a movie. That reminds me, has anyone checked on “You’re Beautiful” James Blunt lately? A time when one could seriously make a rock and roll vampire musical comedy with 80’s one-hit wonders in the cast. That doesn’t even sound plausible in 2016.

Rock on, 1990. Rock on!

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David S. Pumpkins Is The Hero We Didn’t Know We Needed

This delightfully weird and downright silly SNL sketch is the best thing you’ll see all day. Destined to become a Halloween and SNL classic, these roughly 5 minutes of pure insanity are proof the world isn’t so bad after all.

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This is one of those sketches where the more you watch it, the funnier it gets. I’ve seen it about four times in three days and still haven’t gotten tired of it. Reminiscent of More Cowbell in its repetitive movements and anytime Chris Farley danced, this skit, called Haunted Elevator is currently winning the Internet. David S. Pumpkins’ suits have already sold out at various retailers, proving I’m not alone in my strange love for all things David S. Pumpkins.

Not only is the sketch funny, it’s random as hell, which for me is a hallmark trait of comedy. For example, why is this weirdo and his skeleton dancers in a haunted house? Who are they? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t.

Like one YouTube comment said,“This skit shouldn’t have been funny. I ended up rolling on the floor laughing.”

There isn’t much else to say about this. The main purpose of this post was to spread the majesty that is Mr. Pumpkins with the world, as well as having a “David S. Pumpkins” tag on my blog.

Enjoy!

 

In Hindsight, These Republicans Aren’t So Bad Compared To Donald Trump

Donald Trump is a terrible human being (if you even want to call him one at this point). No need to go into details. Unless you’re living under a rock or in a coma, you know all about the pussy grabbin’ piece of shit that is Donnie T.

The Republican party did this to themselves by loosing their damn minds and nominating a Cheeto-colored garbage person. Really, guys? You go from Abe Lincoln to that? For a group that calls themselves the Grand ‘Ol Party, ya’ll can do better.

Obviously, I’m not a member of the GOP. I will keep voting for Hillary Clinton until one of us dies. There is literally nothing she could do that would prevent me from voting for her. Regardless of how you feel about our future Madame President, everyone with half a brain knows there is not a single person on Earth who is more qualified to be the leader of the free world than Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton.

I will never vote for a Republican as long as my O Negative blood pumps through my cold, evil, liberal, millennial heart. Good thing I live in Kentucky, which has 8 electoral votes so I could never vote again (not going to happen) and it wouldn’t matter. Still, I’m blue ’til the end unless America turns into The Upside Down and the two parties switch.

Looking back on history and past elections, these GOP members listed below don’t seem so bad compared to Lord Assface McOrange.

Ronald Reagan

Potential Pussy Grabs: 2 (he was an actor in Old Hollywood, after all).

Sure, the dude was a huge turd sandwich. He named names during the McCarthy hearings and sold out his former friends and colleagues. He sold weapons to the enemy. He ignored the threat of Saddam Hussein, which later turned out to be a very bad idea.

People loved him despite his epic fails. Look at the man and his dog on Air Force One with his trademark jelly beans on display. My God, he’s like America’s token grandpa. Now, picture Donald Trump.

 

Mitt Romney 

Potential Pussy Grabs: -4 (unless Marie Osmond is around)

The world cheered when presidential loser Mitt came out and blasted Trump. He really had no chance of winning in 2012, but damn it, he tried and us Dems hated him for it. We’ve moved past it and now he’s just a dude who loves going to Costco with his wife.

Compared to Trump, Mitt is the handsome older guy who lives down the street. He’s the Dad that will take you home from soccer practice. He’s also Mormon as hell, so you know he won’t be grabbing pussy unless Marie Osmond shows up like I mentioned before You  know he and Ann have totally been asked to swing with their weird friends and actually said no.

Most importantly, this GIF exists.

George W. Bush

Potential Pussy Grabs: 0

Oh, W how we don’t miss you. There are so many bad things about Bush 2: ‘Lil Georgie’s White House Adventure, I don’t even know where to start. There was a time when many of us wished you’d choked harder on that pretzel. Sure, he’s a war criminal but a cute one! He also paints, seems to be BFF with Michelle, and is releasing an art book this year.

We sort of forgive you. Keep up the good post-White House work, buddy! No shit.

 

Richard Nixon

Potential Pussy Grabs: 2

Nixon grabbed Lady Liberty by the pussy and royally fucked her (and not in the good way).

Total crook, liar, and another turd sandwich. Today, Nixon would be viewed as a total liberal Commie by the Tea Party and Trumpers. He started the EPA (anyone who loves trees that much has got to be a dirty liberal), ended the draft AND involvement in Vietnam, and improved relations with China and the U.S.S.R. 

Yeah, total Democrat.

He’s also the first and only president to resign, thus grabbing his own pussy.

Retro Halloween Commercials That Are Better Than Most Network Shows Today

I’m not even joking about that. Network TV is having a harder time than Donald Trump’s campaign managers.

It’s terrible.

But, commercials are worse. Since we are essentially living in The Jetson’s, we hardly ever have to watch commercials anymore. I haven’t had cable since January 2012 and I’m never going back. I actually someone manage to watch more TV not having cable thanks to Netflix, Hulu, and my Mom’s HBO GO password (thanks, Mommy!).

Technology and medical advancements have eradicated small pox and given us phones that play videos, but we still have to watch the occasional commercial. If that isn’t injustice, I don’t know what is. Where’s Superman when we need him?

Since there are wonderful people on the Internet who upload “retro” videos to YouTube, we can relive a time when we had to watch commercials and they were better.

I’d probably punch a baby for a can of Slice. I’ve also given my husband permission to sleep with Elvira if ever given the chance. For those of you younger than about twenty-three, Slice was awesome. Sorry, not sorry you missed it. More for us!

Nothing gives me the warm fuzzies like this Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. Donuts and Halloween are two of my favorite things. Dunkin’ Donuts was a huge deal for me when I was a kid. By the way, I still love it. The chain wasn’t very common in my area until the past several years, so getting to go to Dunkin’ was a treat. If I was a death row criminal, their strawberry frosted would a part of my last meal.

Pizza Head is the ultimate obscure 90’s reference. I loved this as a kid. Now, as an adult I fully appreciate the amount of alcohol and drugs it probably took to get the brain power to create him. The marketing creative time who created Pizza Head will forever hold a special place in my 90’s kid heart.

McNuggets are gross. Don’t think anyone will try to fight me on that. When they are felt and dressed as monsters? Freaking precious. The Halloween McNugget Buddies are important to me (did I really just write that? Yes, I did. I need more things to do). These little “chicken” blobs are pure nostalgia for me. I’ve had the Frankenstein MuNugget in the picture below for probably twenty-two years. There is a large amount of these for sale online and have a weird cult following.

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This is anything more American than keeping a Happy Meal toy for over half your life? Image.