Can I haz newsletter?

Why, yes you can!

Newsletters and shameless self-promotion are necessary evils if you want weirdos on the Internet to buy your books.

I’ve gotten with the program and have created a newsletter.

 

 

In the newsletter, you will find updates about upcoming books, promotions, opportunities for getting advanced review copies, and exclusive teasers.

If you are interested in signing up there’s a link at the top of the blog.

 

 

Harsh Truths Millennial Women Need To Hear

Cue “Controversy” by Prince.

This really doesn’t need an intro. Here we go…

You Are Not A Princess

There are legit Princesses as in a member of a royal family. You are a not a princess on your wedding day, at the prom, at a salon or other venue that offer “princess packages”, or any other time. UNLESS YOU ARE AN ACTUAL PRINCESS. You are not your Daddy’s little princess. You should not tell your husband to treat you like one. Instead, you should be wise enough not to marry a man who treats you like shit so you never have to tell him to treat you like the princess you aren’t.

Dude, I’m a grown woman. I’m married, I drink wine, I have sex, I clean up dog poop, I go to work, I regularly attempt to replace my blood with coffee, I vote, I have a 401-K, I take birth control pills, I cuss, etc. I don’t want to me treated like I’m anything other than a grown woman.Telling your daughter she is a princess will only create a sense of entitlement and selfishness in their adult life. Playing princess dress up is one thing, but treating a girl like she’s a china doll is going to backfire.

The Disney Glorification Is Overrated  (You Are Also Not A Disney Princess)

Disney movies are fun and nostalgic. Lately, millennial women have been glorifying Disney and its princesses all over social media. I love Cinderella and Ariel, too. I also realize they are cartoon characters and I will never have a talking flounder fish friend or mice who wash dishes with me. You betcha I have an Ariel shirt, but I realize I’m not an actual mermaid princess. The over sexualization of these characters is horrifying.  Last time I checked, Snow White wasn’t sexy. She is a victim and a glorified maid to seven dwarfs. That’s not a life to strive for.

Also, these people who repeatedly spend thousands going to Disney World need a lobotomy. Have you been to Disney World? It’s hot, overpriced, crowded, and pretty much the same rides for the past twenty plus years. Take your kids somewhere else for another experience. They will remember it more fondly than the fifteen times they’ve been to Disney World. If you have the means to take your family to Disney year after year, you can afford to go somewhere else for half the price. I am saying not to take your kids to Disney World? Not at all. Go for it! I don’t get the obsession, attraction to go to the same place over and over again, or the glorification of it all. I have been to Disney several times and each time was before my thirteenth birthday. By that age, I’d had my fill of Disney and was ready for another experience. While I loved Disney as a kid, I’m over it.

Mickey And Minnie Mouse Welcome Everyone To Hong Kong Disneyland Resort

GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY AND YOUR SOUL!

 

Getting Married Is Not An Accomplishment

A friend once said to me, “I’ve worked much harder getting through college than I have to get engaged.” She was absolutely 100% correct. Note: you shouldn’t have to try to get engaged/married. It will either happen or it won’t. Forcing a relationship doesn’t work. Getting married is a right passage, not an accomplishment.

 

Being Irresponsible Is Not Cute

Remember on Sex and the City when Carrie couldn’t afford her apartment because she spent all her money on shoes? Not cute. Remember, fictional characters who have it all together are not as entertaining.

 

“Adulting” Is Not Hard

This ties into our culture of praising being irresponsible. Sure, the occasionally “adulting” joke is funny, only when it doesn’t have a basis in reality. Making a sarcastic remark about going to the gym, eating spinach, and doing your taxes all in one day has a place. “Adulting” simply means doing what you have to do to survive and it’s completely normal. Going to work? Not hard! Paying bills? Suck it up, buttercup. It’s called life.

 

Marilyn Monroe Is Not A Good Role Model

Misquoting other women over a picture of Marilyn on Pinterest is cheap. This recent phenomenon of Marilyn worship on social media has led to an even more tarnished legacy for Monroe and those who are misquoted with her image. The only reason Marilyn Monroe is such an icon today is because she looks good on tin signs and posters. And died young. Harsh, but true. A drug addict who slept her way to the top only to screw it all up by being irresponsible, unprofessional, and disrespectful to colleagues by showing up late and on drugs is not someone to look up to. Ring a bell, Miss Lohan? Honestly, Carrie Bradshaw is a better role model. You know who actually is a good role model? Audrey Hepburn.

 

The Day The Music Died

This afternoon, I decided it was way past time to run a system clean and scan on my MacBook. I only really use it for writing, web surfing, and the occasional illegal streaming this is something I often neglect to do. As someone who hates clutter even in the digital form, this is something I should do more often. I was looking through my desktop folders and clicked on one I haven’t taken the cursor to in some time…the music folder.

Anyone who grew up in the age of LimeWire, Napster, Kaaza, and later iTunes has this folder. At one time, it was probably the most cherished folder on the whole desktop. You spend hours and bandwidth downloading those awesome songs you heard on TRL that you have HAVE to hear again and again only to get computer herpes from the sketchy programs you downloaded them from in the first place.You do a virus scan only to learn the MP3 Willa Ford-I Wanna B Bad is actually a Trojan Horse Virus. So, you’ve lost your sweet jams AND will probably have to get a new computer because it’s 2002. Sidebar: I literally destroyed a computer from burning too many CDs. Sorry, Mom. I believe I’ve made it up to you by not being a complete dumpster fire of a person. Also, all the CDs you burned with aforementioned sweet jams are scratched to hell and barely play because you threw them around and dropped your Walkman portable CD player a million times. Repeat process for another ten years.

 

Kids today with their iPads and safe spaces will never know the struggle.

The chronic CD burners of yesteryear will also no longer have this struggle thank to literally every song we could ever want being in an overpriced brick we sometimes use to make phone calls.

Today, I came to the sad realization that I no longer need megabytes of MP3s taking up valuable space on my computer. An MP3 I’ve had for over a decade is virtually and literally worthless. All those Ja Rule songs that are older than both my nieces and nephew are the computer version of space junk. With a touch of a button, I can re-live my early and mmid-2000s music shame via the majesty that is Spotify in my car, at the gym, on my TV, at work, etc.

I still remember the day LimeWire was shut down by the government. It was one of the darkest days, and the end of an era. I was a few days shy of my twenty second birthday, sitting in my mom’s sunroom and most likely hungover and over-caffeinated looking to download the new My Chemical Romance album. That also happened to be their last complete album before breaking up. Looking back, this should have been a sign the heyday of the 2000s were no more. Almost twenty-two year-old me was devastated she couldn’t illegally download MCR like she could when she was sixteen. A part of me died that day, along with LimeWire. A jovial and computer-infecting pastime was lost to the theoretical man who finally won. So I shelled out $2.12 to iTunes and got my MCR songs. That was the day I truly began my descent into adulthood.

 

Today, I finish that journey by removing 17,685,980,852 bytes (yes, that’s not a typo) of MP3s from my hard drive. So long Avril Lavigne, Jessica (and Ashlee) Simpson, Christina Aguilera, NSYNC, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Sum 41, MCR, and others. I’ll catch you on the nostalgia tour in a few years.

Why I Write What I Write (And Don’t Hold Back)

This week, my second book and first full novel was released on Amazon. Yay me! (I guess… waiting for the inevitable bad reviews.) I didn’t want to self-publish my book and be an indie author. The label of indie can either be cool or pretentious crap, depending on your tastes. Since I don’t write pretentious crap, I suppose that makes me cool.

I still feel like a failure because I didn’t get an agent and a shiny book deal. In a sea of generic romance novels, predictable mysteries, over-detailed, dull dribble, and the ever-popular young adult novels set in dystopia, I honestly didn’t stand a chance. Now, here we are. I guess I’ll just have to get over it. I got over a hundred rejections AND actually had an agent tell me by book wouldn’t sell. Writing books is hard, guys.#DestinedForMediocrity

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Me trying to get my book published.

There’s no denying ebooks are the future, and the future is now. I don’t have to look up an article to prove that traditional book stores are slowly dying. It’s sad, but it’s the reality of what is happening in the world of publishing. Books and bookstores are great. So is technology and capitalism, two things we know always win. Amazon has a clear monopoly on ebooks and e-readers, and no one wants to admit it. No one knows this more than authors, both traditional and indie. Both of my books are exclusively available on Amazon and always will be. I’ve read similar sentiments from many authors stating they’ve had no sales or minimal sales on iBooks and Nook (Barnes and Noble), to the point where they don’t even list their books on those sites. Smashwords, an exclusive indie book site is probably the second most popular ebook site for indie authors. This should also worry traditional publishers. Many writers, including several previously agented authors are going the self route because it’s easier, you get more creative freedom, and often more money unless there is an advance. From what I’ve gathered, advances are getting smaller or publishers aren’t even offering them.

What’s interesting to me is that the agents claim to want “fresh, unique writing” in whatever genre they accept. But, end up signing the types of books I mentioned earlier. Let’s face it, all literary agents want is to find the next Hunger Games and get their percentage of the earnings. What’s interesting about this is the books that are being traditionally published aren’t the most popular on Amazon. You know what sells on Amazon?

Also, horror, murder mystery, romantic suspense, and still, young adult. There are indie authors selling millions of copies I wish I could write a generic YA novel and start counting my cash, but I can’t. The old adage “write what you know” rings true. From my experience, you can’t write what you don’t read which is why you’ll never see me write an erotic romance novel or a YA novel. I write murder, weird relationships, anti-heroes, psychopaths, violence, sex, drinking,  swear words, gangsters, historical fiction, characters who have bad days, characters who have nosebleeds during sexual acts (SPOILER), characters who vomit up champagne outside of nightclubs (SPOILER AGAIN), and zombies who attack a wedding…you know, stuff I know and enjoy.

I like to say, without sounding like a dad trying to be cool that I keep it real. By real, I mean my characters who barf, get nosebleeds, and say “the f word” when they are being chased by zombies. Someone left me a bad review because a fictional character said the dreaded “f word”. Boohoo, a fictional character offended you! If you’ve offended someone with your writing you’re doing something right, it shows you’re passionate enough to tell the truth.

It blows my mind in a world where everyone is offended by almost everything, that we don’t get worked up by the gratuitous violence on television. It’s okay to show murdered hookers on CSI. It’s okay to kill kids and bash in heads with barbwire-wrapped baseball bats on The Walking Dead, It’s okay to do pretty much everything on Game of Thrones. If all of those things are okay, books should be no different.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to writing murder mysteries set in the 1930s that will probably offend someone.

My Book “Live Fast, Die Pretty” Is Now Up For Pre-Order On Amazon PLUS A SPECIAL TEASER COMING TUESDAY 1/17!

You can now add Kindle Scout reject to my resume. Oh well, such is the evil game of writing. Kids, don’t write books, it’s hard. Do drugs instead (LOL J/K). Still, editing your own work is still 100 times worse than the constant stream of rejection. After so long, you get used to it and become so dead inside and immune to it that even shoving ungodly amounts of French Toast Sticks down your word hole loses its charm.

I recently discovered the hashtag on Twitter #TeaserTuesday and thought I’d try it out in order to see (1. if it works, and (2. for disgusting shameless self-promotion which has pretty much become my life.

If you want to check out my book, you can here. Come back Tuesday for a teaser…IF YOU DARE! *insert evil laugh*

Be sure to bring your own French Toast Sticks, I ain’t sharing.

Murder, Murder Everywhere

I’ve created a true crime blog because why not? Who doesn’t love a good murder story?

There’s a reason why people love redundant cop dramas and shows like Wives With Knives; we have a morbid, yet normal fascination with the horrific things other people do to one another. Fictional detectives also make old people feel safe, knowing Mark Harmon is putting away bad guys helps middle America sleep at night.

For a twice weekly dose of murdery goodness, check out amurdermostfoul.com. If you are a part of the toxic Internet wasteland that is Twitter follow the blog @AMMFBlog.

Now, I present hipster John Wayne Gacy.

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Netflix’s “The Crown” Is “Downton Abbey” On Steroids And I Can’t Stop Watching

Not having to work for 12 days means I get to working out…my remote.

I love a good historical drama, but I tend to shy away from dramatizations of real-life events, especially those I’m familiar with. There’s nothing I hate more than historical figures are inserted as characters in fictional accounts. To me, it’s sloppy, lazy writing. Why not use your creativity to write a new character instead of using a real person, you hack?!?! I actually had a brief Internet fight with someone on a writing site about this topic. I no longer visit writing sites.

I can watch The Crown simply for the fact I didn’t know jack shit about hardly any of it.  I know English Royal Family 101. However, I didn’t know the story because I’m American AF. For me, watching this is no different from a completely fictional show with parts I’m mildly familiar with.

I did know about Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII’s abdication I love a good 80 year-old scandal. The whole time I was wondering if the show was going to go there. IT TOTALLY GOES THERE AND IT’S AWESOME!

thecrownnetflix

This show is perfect parts grand spectacle/showing real struggles and excellent characterization. 12/10. One of the things I love about this show is how they showed Queen Elizabeth’s insecurities about her ability to rule and her education as well as her personal struggles (a.k.a Prince Phillip can be a major turd). Queen Elizabeth goes from a twenty-something forced into a job she didn’t want to a total bad ass.

Plus, the whole time I’m like…

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That Time I Did Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Workout Video

*Sigh*

The things I do for a blog post.

I really did Zsa Zsa Gabor’s workout video. 

When Zsa Zsa passed away Sunday, I immediately went down a Zsa Zsa-tastic Internet rabbit hole. There’s nothing I love more than scrolling through pages about the lives of celebrities from bygone eras. I also love working out. For real, I do. I’m pretty sure I love nachos more, but that’s another thing.

As I fell deeper into the rabbit hole, I discovered Zsa Zsa had her own workout video. In the eighties and early nineties every celebrity had a workout video. I don’t know why this information surprised me. I was immediately intrigued and promise myself I would do it.

First of all, I would like to thank the kind soul who uploaded this to YouTube. You’re a real hero. There’s a special place in Heaven for you.

I previewed a few minutes of the video at work yesterday. I didn’t think I could make it through the video without laughing my ass off. Well, I did, but I actually completed the workouts with my own modifications.

Admittedly, I thought this was going to be a seventy-something year-old Zsa Zsa touching her toes and doing some light stretches for 30 minutes. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself doing tricep kickbacks, multiple sets of squats, overhead presses while Zsa Zsa uttered words of encouragement and fact, such as, “you’re doing great, darling!” and “you use ze stomach muscles all the time, especially when you’re making love.”

It was clearly designed for people who don’t work out on a regular basis. Sorry, Zsa Zsa, I don’t need to sit in a chair to do squats (ass to grass, baby! Which totally contradicts her advice to “tuck in your fanny”). She also goes on about how skinny legs on a woman is terrible. This is something I can get down with. I seriously want a workout playlist with random Zsa Zsa quotes from this video randomly inserted into songs. Also, I can curl and press more than a 3 pound dumbbell. I modified and made it more of a challenge by omitting the chair and using a 10 pound dumbbell for about every workout. With the modifications, it was a decent workout. I will actually probably be sore tomorrow.

This video is the epitome of cheesy 90’s workout videos. Zsa Zsa blatantly hits on the two beefcake guys in the video, which makes them obviously uncomfortable. Today, it would be sexual harassment. When Miss Hungary 1936 does push ups on your back, it’s a beautiful thing.

If Loving Christmas Tree Cakes Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right

My name is Emily Stringer, I’m 28 years-old, and I’m addicted to Christmas Tree Cakes.

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Hey, baby. Image.

Little Debbie is an evil bitch who makes delicious snack cakes in the bowels of Hell and sends them to Earth as an effort to end me-and it’s totally working. Her equally evil friends include Mrs. Freshley and Sara Lee, who have also tempted me many a time.

Let’s be real; Little Debbie cakes are damn good. If you can’t admit to liking at least one of these little blessed by the Devil Diabetes bombs, we can’t hang. I don’t care which one it is (as long as it’s not those weird raisin pie things).

Christmas Tree Cakes are obviously special because you can only get them for about two months out of the year. Also, they come in several different varieties, including Red Velvet AND chocolate. My God, people. What’s not to love. Also, they are fresh as hell and every single one of them is just as good (if not better than the last).

I don’t know why I love these so much, besides the fact they are SO GOOD. Maybe it’s because they are only available for a limited time each year. Maybe it’s some weird comfort to deal with the stress of the holidays. Or maybe it’s because they are just good, I’m an adult, and can eat as many damn Christmas Tree Cakes as I want! I’m gonna go with that one because it’s probably the deep-seeded reason why I want to shove as many of these things down my word hole as I reasonably can.

Honestly, I don’t care why I like them. I just wanted to share my snack shame with the Internet in hopes of entertaining and perhaps finding a like-minded individual. Remember, you are not alone in your love for seasonal snack cakes.

*shoves Christmas Tree Cake in mouth*